Monday, September 20, 2021

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Stephen Miller Plans to Go from Working at the White House to Working at a White Castle

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whenever a presidential administration comes to a close, there are dozens and dozens of officials who find themselves in need of a new form of employment. That is true for the Donald Trump administration, whose days are waning despite every longshot, unprecedented legal attempt to overturn the election they lose in court. As their time in power runs out, people like White House senior racism adviser Stephen Miller are now hitting the public sector job market.

Today, Mr. Miller announced formally what his plans are for when the Constitution says he has to pack all his anti-immigration plans in his suitcase and head for the door. Miller plans to move from working in a big white house every day to working in a much smaller white castle. Namely, a White Castle hamburger franchise.

MORE: Trump’s Lawyers Ask Supreme Court to Declare His Hands and Genitals ‘Normal’

“I applied to work at a lot of places I felt my work in the Trump administration had prepared me for,” Miller announced on NewsmaxTV today. “Except, it turns out the KKK and American Nazi Parties aren’t really hiring right now, because of how shitty we’re gonna leave the economy. So, I was left to start applying for my back-up jobs.”

However, all of Miller’s backups also came up short for him.

“Even WalMart wouldn’t hire me, although they said if they ever run out of actual dumpsters and need to start using human ones,” Miller said, “they’ll call me. So I started thinking about it, and since I worked for a man who pretended to be a king, living in a big white castle, maybe I would be a good fit at a literal White Castle.”

Miller will begin his White Castle career at the bottom of the ladder, and will need to work his way up, but he said he’s not too worried about that.

“If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s how to burrow myself up inside the asshole of a much more powerful man,” Miller explained, “and then embed myself in their colon, making it impossible for them to advance without taking me with them. I fully intend to find the assistant manager and will try to cram myself into his butthole as I did with Jeff Sessions and Dear President.”

Miller said the thing he’s most looking forward to is that he’ll start off getting “special treatment” from his managers, and will “have a different set of rules” to play by.

“It turns out, I won’t have to wear a hair net, because spray-on hair isn’t a health concern,” Miller said, proudly. “It’s the little things, you know?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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