Stephen Miller Assures Red State Lawmakers Migrant Children Don’t Have Human Heartbeats

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On a call with lawmakers from every state won by Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election, White House Senior Genocide Adviser Stephen Miller assured the legislators new, anti-abortion laws shouldn’t conflict with the new standard in Republican immigration policy.

“I want to assure you guys right here and now that all your abortion bans are just fine by us,” Miller told lawmakers in a conference call. “For starters, we all know Republicans will always be able to secure an abortion for their daughters, or interns, or whoever they knock up. Second off, you have nothing to worry about anyway because migrant children don’t have human heartbeats anyway.”

In recent weeks, Republican lawmakers in Georgia, Alabama, and Ohio have put various versions of so-called “heartbeat” abortion restrictions on their books. While Alabama’s law was tabled after a raucous argument broke out among committee members, Georgia’s version was signed into law by its governor, Brian Kemp, just last week. The law forbids any doctor to perform an abortion after a fetal heartbeat can be detected, which conservatives claim is roughly around the six week mark. Critics of these laws call them nothing more than attempts to get around the landmark Supreme Court decision in Roe Vs. Wade that gave a woman the right to seek an abortion at any time before the point of medical viability, in other words, when a fetus can be safely delivered and not die without the mother’s nutritional and developmental support.

When Miller told lawmakers that migrant children don’t have heartbeats, there were some audible cheers on the line. However, some lawmakers worried whether Miller was working with accurate information. They asked him as such.

MORE: Pat Robertson Begs ‘The Gays’ To Only Do ‘Hand And Mouth Stuff’ Until After Hurricane Season

“Oh, yeah, I heard it from a very reliable doctor,” Miller said. “Dr. Mengele I think his name is. Really, a brilliant doctor. You guys should look up his work. Pretty seminal stuff. Oh, hey, did I mention that I like to literally lube up and fuck klan robes while I ram a lit crucifix medallion up my asshole? It’s just something I do, you know, being a piece of literal human shit like I am. Don’t know why I told you this, but I’m glad it’s on the official record now: Stephen Miller lubes up and fucks klan robes with a white hot crucifix up his ass. Okay, you guys write that down? The part about me fucking klan robes with a cross on fire up my ass? Cool.”

Some have said that a six week limit on abortions is nonsensical and cruel because that’s before many women even know they are pregnant.

“The good news is that even though you’ll always definitely know for sure if there’s a migrant child in front of you,” Miller stated, “you have nothing to worry about because they don’t have a human heartbeat. So you know, knock yourselves out! The more draconian the punishment, the better. After all, if we don’t commit unspeakable acts of cruelty on poor brown families, that’s a perverse incentive for people to keep coming here. Obviously if we don’t lock the Mexican-ish ones in cages and break up their families, people will start coming here illegally in droves, which they already are, so maybe deep down I know that all I’m doing is racist stuff because I literally get off on it, like I cannot come unless I’m hurting a brown, but, hey, you know…liberty. Freedom. Benghazi, and of course, MAGA!”

Nancy Pelosi, finding out about this incident, said she is “almost angry enough to take action,” but that she would “prolly just end up saying a lot of words instead.”

This is a developing story.

MORE: Gym Jordan: “Sure Trump Broke The Law, But What Right Do The American People Have To Know The Details?”


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

More from James Schlarmann

Future SpaceX Projects Will Be Funded With Sales Of New Cologne: “Elon’s Musk”

This morning, billionaire entrepreneur and inventor Elon Musk watched another one of...
Read More