HOLLYWOOT, CALIFORNIA — Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been having the time of his meaningless, worthless, scruple-free life on ABC’s hit TV show for fans of hoofing, Dancing With the Stars. Spicer, made famous for the multitude of lies he spoke in his time at the White House, and for the tantrums he had when called out for those lies, has reportedly told friends he’s “never felt so almost not completely repugnant” to people around him.
“You know, most of the time when people see me coming, they run to the other side of the street. Period. But,” Spicer apparently told a confidante this weekend, “these DWTS people are pretty great. And here I thought everyone who lived in Commiefornia and worked in Hollyweird were libtarded commie socialist enemies of the people. Turns out, they’re all that stuff, I’m sure, but also able to be completely cordial to me.”
Spicer feels he’s made lifelong friends on the show.
“I’m sure after I leave the show, I’ll have at least a dozen or so friends who call me up and wish me happy birthday,” Spicer said. “You add that to the people who already call me friend, and that’s a solid twelve people calling me friend! I feel almost like a real little lying sack of shit boy!”
Mr. Spicer has had such a good time learning how to completely butcher introductory dance steps that he’s already booked himself on another dancing show, slated to start taping later this year.
“Everyone already knows I’m the best amateur dancer ever, period. So it should shock no one that I’ve booked myself to appear on another great show,” Spicer told reporters as they watched him enter the studio where DWTS is shot. “Next season, I’ll be joining the bigly talented cast of Dancing With the Lying Kleptocratic Fascist Lawless Dick Burgers! To be honest, I think I’m more excited about being on this show than I am about Dancing With the Stars. Don’t get me wrong, I love pretending to be a real celebrity that actual human beings admire, but I’m just much more familiar with tap dancing around the truth with lying autocratic a-holes.”
On DWTLKFLDB, various authoritarian dictators and their servile enablers dance for judges who rate their performances. Each week, a different leader is voted off the show. Each dictator has issued an order to their subjects to vote for them, because if they’re voted off the show, they will punish their people for not voting the right way.
“If anyone knows about bullying people and demanding they vote for him, it’s my former boss,” Spice said jokingly, but in a way in which no one would ever laugh. “There’s just no way we can’t win! I mean, he can’t lose! He literally can’t. Putin told him he’ll never let him lose! That has to apply to dancing competition shows, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?!”
Dancing With the Lying Kleptocratic Fascist Lawless Dick Burgers will begin airing its fifth season’s episodes in syndication, later this fall.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”