Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    Future SpaceX Projects Will Be Funded With Sales Of New Cologne: “Elon’s Musk”

    This morning, billionaire entrepreneur and inventor Elon Musk watched another one of his SpaceX rockets blast off into the cosmos. Falcon 9 lifted off from its pad just before dawn in a spectacular display, carrying experimental global internet satellites. One of Musk’s end goals is to provide high-speed broadband internet service to some of the least connected areas on Earth, and Falcon 9’s payload are a pair of satellites designed for that purpose.

    After a successful launch, SpaceX made an announcement regarding the funding of future projects. Musk and his space exploration company have lofty goals, including getting humankind to Mars and beyond. Mr. Musk said that this kind of vision requires a lot of money, and he’s decided to enhance SpaceX’s revenue in a new, perhaps unforeseen way.

    “We are excited to announce the launch of a new fragrance, made with 100% completely renewable energy,” Musk said. “Elon’s Musk will hit fine retail shelves in your area by the end of the third quarter, and we’re just so excited about this.”

    Mr. Musk said that he is excited that the future of mankind’s space exploration will at least in part by fueled by his namesake cologne.

    “The future of humanity relies on us getting off this planet at some point in the future,” Musk told reporters. “And these kinds of projects require an insane amount of money. But we think the launch of Elon’s Musk will help offset costs tremendously.”

    SpaceX considered a few other options for additional funding, according to Musk.

    “We considered a staff bake sale, in our parking lot, but we weren’t sure just how many billions we could raise selling cookies,” Musk said. “It’s still possible we’ll open the lemonade stand up, though I think we’ve decided to move that operation to Venus, once we get that project off the ground, so to speak.”

    As for what Elon’s Musk will actually smell like, the cologne’s namesake attempted to describe to the press just what would tickle their noses.

    “We synthesized this scent using a number of highly complex algorithms, a number of focus groups, and by going over to Macy’s in the mall and having that nice older lady spray me with everything she’s got,” Musk said. “And ultimately we decided on a mixture of rocket fuel, shredded thousand dollar bills, and cinnamon because I really love cinnamon.”

    Elon’s Musk will retail for $1.2 million a bottle.

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.