Saturday, September 30, 2023
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    Shane Gillis Apologizes to All The Good Asians He Does Like. Both Of Them.

    Alleged comedian Shane Gillis will not be joining the cast of Saturday Night Live, as had been previously announced by NBC. The same day it was announced that Gillis would be joining the cast of the long-running sketch comedy show, videos of a podcast he did with a friend surfaced. In the video, Gillis makes several disparaging remarks about homosexuals and racial epithets about Asian Americans. It didn’t take long for the controversy to cost Gillis his spot on the show.

    Mr. Gillis took to Twitter to comment on the firing, saying he was more a fan of MadTV, another sketch comedy show from the late 90’s.

    This morning, Mr. Gillis appeared on Ben Shapiro’s podcast, “Alt-Light is Still Right,” and issued a formal apology for at least some of the comments he’s caught making in the videos.

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    “While I’m pretty sure that NBC just violated my First Amendment right to be white and say whatever I want without any consequences,” Gillis began, “I think I should probably still apologize. The truth is I’m not racist even a little bit. Still, it’s time for to apologize to all the good Asians. I like the good ones! Both of them!”

    Shapiro laughed hysterically.

    “You’re extremely funny. I think it’s obviously cultural Marxism, the intelligentsia, and the cancel culture that’s targeting you for being so completely groundbreaking as to use racial epithets as punchlines,” Shapiro said. “Talk about pushing the envelope in 2019! Clearly they’re triggered by your return to traditional comedic values.”

    Gillis thanked Shapiro, but said he still “has to take responsibility” and apologize to both Asian Americans he personally knows and likes.

    “Sure, I still make jokes all the time about them helping me with a math question, but I’m pretty sure they think that it’s hilarious,” Gillis said, “and if my friends don’t call me out for my racist tropes, I don’t know why everyone else is. Still, I need to apologize to them. Because now they may feel like they can’t be friends with me, and they need to understand I’m still the same guy who will be nice to their face and make a racist joke about them behind their backs, but that’s just COMEDY, man!”

    Shapiro again cackled uproariously.

    “Man! SNL’s loss, I guess, because you might be the literal funniest person to ever live,” Shapiro said, “which is crazy to me to say, because Steven Crowder is also so hilarious, and so is Dennis Miller. But you might take the taco. Wait, am I allowed to say taco, LIBS?! Is that cultural appropriation?”

    Gillis again thanked Shapiro for “getting it.”

    “See? Exactly. It’s just jokes, okay? Just jokes that don’t have a discernible punchline and are basically just me trading on old as hell stereotypes,” Gillis said, “and therefore not very good jokes. Maybe they’re not jokes, per se, but just ways to make people laugh at racist stuff and I think that makes me edgy? Why do I keep talking out loud like this? Oh my God I need to stop before I say something about how my racist humor is just an extension of my lack of human empathy and I’m basically just a dime a dozen hacky white dude! OH SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!”

    Mr. Gillis ran out of the studio screaming and crying.

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.