WASHINGTON, D.C. — One could argue that President Donald J. Trump never stopped campaigning, even after he was sworn into office in January of 2017.
The argument would hold water based on the fact that since taking office, Trump has held dozens of rallies. Almost all of them have taken place in states he won in 2016, and shows no sign of stopping any time soon. Lately, it seems like he holds a klanpaign rally at least once a week, sometimes more. Despite holding the rallies on a near weekly basis, however, polls do not show that he’s gained any ground with the American electorate, and his approval rating has been mired in the 37-42% range his entire presidency.
They were “Make America Great Again” rallies during the 2016 presidential election season, and now they’ve been renamed “Keep America Great Again.” The rallies are free wheeling displays of Trump’s invective, bluster, and long-winded diatribes. Some experts have said that Trump unleashes more conspiracy theories during the rallies than Breitbart publishes in a month. Now more than ever, sources say, the president is desperate to hold the rallies, as he watches support for the House Democratic effort to impeach him gain not only momentum in the lower congressional chamber, but also in public opinion polls of the impeachment.
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Recent polling shows 50% of the country supports impeaching Trump. During last year’s midterm elections, the Republican Party took a beating, losing control of the House, which set Trump up for impeachment, and his own actions in regards to pressuring Ukraine and other countries to prosecute his political rivals has only steeled the Dems’ resolve. It’s easy to see, some political analysts have said, why Trump needs these klanpaign rallies to continue unabated.
Today, Mr. Trump told reporters, while he paced around the White House lawn, that he and his staff are still trying to figure out where to hold the next klanpaign rally.
“Well, it needs to be a place with the white mix of people, if you get my drift,” Trump yelled. “It has to be a place that my people, the real American patriots in this country, feel comfortable to take off their hoods, let down their hair, and really let loose. You know? Like, I want them to feel as comfortable at my rallies as they do in someone’s front lawn, burning a big ol’ lowercase T in honor of their favorite president.”
There are several criteria that are used to determine the site of a klanpaign rally, Trump said. The factors are all weighed against each other, and Trump often takes everyone’s advice into consideration, he said.
“There are a lot of moving parts to these things. They’re the biggest rallies ever held anywhere at any time, I’m told by people who are paid to tell me things I want to hear,” Trump said. “So why would they lie? Of course it’s true. Why wouldn’t it be?”
The Trump 2020 klanpaign is considering a number of locations for their next rally, Trump divulged.
“What we’re doing is taking a map of the Confederacy and looking to see where we might be able to find an arena big enough to hold tens of thousands of people,” Trump said, “and they need to have a steady supply of tarps because my base is rabid, and they foam at the mouth quite a bit you see. So there are a lot of factors we have to take into account.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.