Tuesday, September 26, 2023
No menu items!

    In 5-4 Decision, Supreme Court Says Jesus Is the Reason for the Season

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week, in a narrow, 5-4 decision that New York could not prohibit large religious gatherings in an attempt to fight the novel coronavirus.

    Pushing the court to its decision was the vote and opinion of its newest member, Justice Amy Covid Barrett, who was confirmed by Senate Republicans on a party-line vote just days before Americans voted to reject President Donald J. Trump’s second term. This morning, the court issued another stunning 5-4 opinion, and it’s another one that it’s hard to imagine would have come down before Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, vacating her seat.

    RELATED: 5 Manly Ways to Cry Like a Bitch Because Your Incompetent Bully President Lost to Sleepy Joe

    “This court holds that, while the First Amendment specifically prohibits the government from cheerleading for any specific religion, or against it,” Covid Barrett wrote in a newly published opinion, “the First Amendment is truly just a suggestion, when applied to Christians. It’s been widely accepted as precedent, at least since I was rammed through the confirmation process, that Christians get their own, special set of rules to America by. And those rules state very clearly that Jesus is the Reason for the Season, and so shall this court order from this day forward.”

    Covid Barrett seemed to indicate in her opinion that there will more decisions like this one in the future, unless and until incoming President Joe Biden works with a Democratic-majority in Congress to expand the size of the court.

    “This justice wouldn’t be surprised to find herself in the position to codify America’s official Christendom with another case somewhere down the line,” Covid Barrett wrote. “Because it often falls on the righteous to do the bidding of the Lord. So shall it be with me. I shall one day help to establish the religious theocracy our founders so clearly wanted when they broke free of a monarch. No need to thank me, of course, but you’re all also pre-welcome.”

    MORE: Parler Changes Name to “Fecebook”

    Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, or signing up for my Patreon.

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.