Monday, October 2, 2023
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    5 Sandwiches to Order Instead of Administering the Heimlich Maneuver to a Choking Mitch McConnell

    It’s happened to so many of us we’ve probably lost count.

    You walk into a sandwich shop — your favorite; the one that doesn’t overcharge for avocado. As you enter the deli, though, you just happen to find Mitch McConnell, and he’s in distress. The Kentucky Republican is choking, and desperately needs someone to perform the Heimlich maneuver, which you know quite well.

    Which of course begs the question:

    Which sandwich do you order?

    It’s a tough question. So many sandwiches are so tasty. It’s hard enough to know what you want on your sandwich at home, but when you’re faced with so many yummy meets, cheeses, and veggies, it becomes a bit dizzying considering all the options.

    But that’s why we’re here! We love helping our readers figure out the answers to the tough questions. While we might not know your specific tastes well enough to tell you specifically which sandwich to order while Mitch McConnell chokes, we have some pretty good ideas, and wanted to share five of them with you right here and right now.

    #5. Tuna Salad on Rye

    Maybe it’s personal bias, but the staff here at Satirical Facts really love a good tuna salad sandwich. Go easy on the mayo, bring in lots of pickles, and even a sprinkle of garlic salt! Perhaps nothing makes watching a cartoon villain get his just desserts more satisfying that a really good tuna sandwich, but make sure it’s on a good, hearty rye bread! 

    #4. Grilled Swiss and Gruyere (Optional: Add Bacon!)

    So you’re standing at the counter, Mitch McConnell is finally doing the country a favor and dying, but you still don’t know what you want? Go old school, baby! Get yourself a grilled swiss and gruyere sandwich, and to really kick it up a notch, add some bacon to it, or better yet, laugh in McConnell’s face as his face turns blue and give him the finger as he rides the elevator straight down to Hell.

    #3. Reuben w/ All The Fixings

    You gotta love pastrami, you gotta love Thousand Island dressing, and you gotta love sauerkraut to get down on a tasty Reuben, we know. But you don’t have to like any of those things to enjoy watching the man who blocked the January 6th Commission to suck up to Donald Trump, denied Barack Obama a rightful Supreme Court nomination, and tried for over a decade to take away healthcare from poor people shuffle off this mortal coil, so feel free to skip the Reuben, but don’t miss a chance to see the light leave McConnell’s ever-wet, tortoisinal eyes.

    #2. Classic PB&J

    Hey, sometimes you just wanna kick it old school. In fact, sometimes you wanna kick it super-duper old school, and a good ol’ peanut butter and jelly sandwich is about as old school as you can get. Whether you like your PB chunky or smooth, or your J to be strawberry, grape, or orange, you’ll certainly enjoy eating it while you also enjoy seeing the worst human being in the history of American politics breathe his final shitty breath.

    #1. BLTAFMMF

    You’ve had a BLT — Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato. You’ve had a BLTA — add some avocado to that bad boy. But have you had a BLTAFMMF — a Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, Avocado, and Fuck Mitch McConnel’s Face? Probably not, because it’s really only available if you happen to be lucky enough to be in a deli, while Mitch is choking to death, and you order a BLTA. Still, keep this tasty sandwich on your radar, and keep your eyes peeled for a desperate, gasping, Mitch McConnell. 

    Worried about laughing at the idea of doing nothing while Mitch McConnell literally dies in front of you? Don’t worry! Mitch would understand. His entire career has been about doing nothing while poor people and people of color suffer. He’ll be just fine with all his money and insulation from the consequences of his actions.

    Enjoy your sandwich!

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.