Tuesday, September 26, 2023
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    Republican Reminds Dems House Rules Forbid Calling Flaming Bag of Diarrhea on White House Lawn “Sack of Sh-t”

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Doug Collins (R-GA) reminded the Democratic caucus this evening that it is against the rules of the House of Representatives to call the flaming bag of diarrhea that has been sitting on the White House lawn since January of 2017 a “sack of shit.”

    “The point is not what is plain to see and smell what is in that bag, the point is that decorum forbids you from acknowledging reality,” Collins angrily and emotionally shouted on the floor of the House. “Seriously, guys, y’all can’t be doin’ that!”

    Collins, clearly upset for most of the day while the House debated a resolution to condemn the bag of diarrhea and begin work to authorize the funding to have it removed, spoke passionately about the need for the “rule of law to take a back seat to protectionist economic policies and white supremacy.”

    “This republic simply cannot withstand a full-frontal assault of the obvious truth! I frankly find it disturbing in the extreme, yet sadly not surprising in the least,” Collins said, sweaty and angry. “Does anyone have any idea how much pandemonium would ensue the moment we acknowledge that flaming bag of shit? I dare say none of us truly understand or know what the clean-up will take. Sure, it seems like it just means putting out the fire and putting on a hazmat suit to remove the bag of shit, but if you think for one minute I’m going to take the logical, obvious solution and not play up my ridiculous rhetorical hypotheticals, you don’t understand how elected officials operate, do you?”

    Just then, President Trump burst into the House and threw a treat to Collins, who jumped and caught it mid-air. The president gave a gesture with his hands that one representative, who had been sitting three feet away with a pair of binoculars and was in a position to verify, confirmed was a “thumbs-up” to Collins, and ran out. Loud farting was heard for a few moments, according to some accounts.

    Another Story: President Explains Why Only People Who Voted For Him Have First Amendment Rights

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.