Monday, June 5, 2023
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    Quarantined Cruise Passenger Says Ship Talent Show ‘Far Worse’ Than Coronavirus Outbreak

    ST. FRANK, CALIFORNIA — When she boarded the Queen’s Line cruise liner in Hawaii, 42 year old Karen Schufflebohrdt says she had no clue whatsoever she’d end up stuck on the ship as it remains in a quarantined status in California’s Bay Area. Schufflebohrdt and thirty-two of her fellow passengers on the ship were diagnosed with the novel coronavirus, though doctors onboard the vessel have not quite tracked down exactly how the virus got onto the ship. Karen’s been “feeling fine” she says for the last three days, but so far she and the rest of the people on the luxury cruise ship have not been given any indication as to when they’ll be allowed to debark.

    “I’ve already missed work because of this,” Karen told us via Skype. “At this point I’m not so much worried about my health as I am about losing my job. Life is already pretty expensive as it is, but it’s almost impossible without a job.”

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    While her coronavirus symptoms were “relatively mild,” Karen says there was an experience she had on the cruise ship that was “far, far, far worse” than her brief bout with the illness that threatens to kill millions if not contained.

    “The cruise ship talent show. Oh my God in Heaven. It made me want to vomit worse than I ever did while I had the coronavirus,” Ms. Schufflebohrdt said. “Some teenager thinking he needed to sing In My Life by the Beatles? Wowza. Get some singing lessons, kid. And I cannot tell you how many women my age I saw singing God-awful karaoke version of Lady Gaga or Adele. I mean, we get it, Susan. You love Adele and are empowered by her music, but do you have to torture a boat full of people paying thousands of dollars for the privilege of floating on the ocean in a giant city?”

    Karen says she’s “grateful,” however, that the cruise ship talent show took place before she came down with the coronavirus. She says she knows she’s “only equipped to handle so much,” and that if she had been forced to watch the talent show while she was infected, she would have probably jumped overboard. Her coronavirus symptoms didn’t appear until the next day after the talent show, though.

    “So I guess I probably got it a day or two before the talent show. But I swear to Christ,” Karen explained, “I really was convinced for a time I came down with some kind of disease after watching that shit show. I mean, a middle aged man did card tricks for ten minutes, and he wasn’t even that good at them. For a short time, I was sure that the show itself was coronavirus and that’s how I came down with it.”

    Ms. Schufflebohrdt already knows the first thing she’s going to do when her coronavirus quarantine is up and she can leave the ship.

    “I’m going to go to one of those places that specializes in wiping memories from your brain,” Karen told us. “It’s like that movie with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, except they just give you a roofie every day. I’d rather not know who I am, or anything about my life, than remember I single, solitary moment from that atrocious talent show. Frankly, if I had died from the coronavirus, at least I’d never have to spend another moment of my life remembering the talent show. Woof.”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.