MOSCOW, RUSSIA — This week, Senator Richard Burr of the Senate Intelligence Committee announced that the investigation that committee has conducted into the 2016 presidential election has found no “direct evidence” of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Kremlin. Burr is a Republican, as is Trump, however Democrats on the committee have already pushed back on Burr’s assertions that the president took as a direct exoneration of himself and his campaign, evidenced by an early morning tweet.
The Senate Intelligence Committee: THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF COLLUSION BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND RUSSIA!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 13, 2019
Despite what both Senate Republicans and Democrats have said int he media of late, however, the reality is that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is still conducting his investigation. Others have pointed out that criminal cases are not usually decided on “direct” evidence, if any exists. Still more have observed that the Mueller investigation has brought about several indictments and that people within Trump’s own inner circle — like his former attorney Michael Cohen — have entered guilty pleas and are cooperating with the investigation.
One person whose knowledge of the matter might be as insightful as the president’s is his boss and friend, Russian President Vladimir Putin. President Putin has often referred to Trump as one of his “favorite little orange lap dogs” and Trump has won the Kremlin Employee of the Month six times since taking office in 2017. This morning, Putin was asked by Russian state media if he’s heard the news about the Senate Intelligence Committee’s investigation, per Senator Burr.
“Oh yes, I’ve heard what Senator Burr has said, and I completely agree. No direct evidence has been found, and more importantly, none ever will be,” Putin said with a wan smile on his face. “What kinda amateur operation do you think this is?”
Putin explained himself further.
“They’ll never find any evidence of collusion just like they’ll never find dinosaurs alive today,” Putin said. “It’s not that it never existed, it just doesn’t exist today. It’s amazing what paper shredders and paying off piss whores can accomplish, if you put your mind to it, fam.”
President Putin continued his explanation.
“Look, it’s not like we would’ve had a contract drawn up. It’s not like we would’ve had him sign a blood oath and we kept ten copies in a vault somewhere under Lenin’s tomb,” Putin said. “So anyone pretending like that’s what Bob Mueller was looking for is being kind of simple-minded, or MAGA, as we call it around here. But what I’m saying right now is simple. There isn’t any evidence left for them to find.”
Upon hearing Putin’s comments, Trump convened a hasty meeting of reporters in the Oval Office.
“As Uncle Vlad just said, there isn’t any evidence anymore, so guess what,” Trump asked rhetorically, “Checkmate, lib-Todds! All you liberals named Todd are so dumb! I’m so glad my incredibly smart son Don Jr. — of course he’s smart, he has my name — taught me to troll you with Lib-Todds! HA HA! YOU LIB-TODDS.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.