WASHINGTON, D.C. — At this hour, the Secret Service is reporting that a tense situation involving a firearm and the President of the United States has been resolved, though things were, as one agent on the scene put it, “really harrowing there for a minute.”
“Last night, President Trump called Mexico and told them he was going to put a gun against his temple and pull the trigger,” Secret Service Chief Media Contact Agent Shelly Oberglen told reporters just an hour ago. “That is exactly what Mr. Trump did today. He put a gun right up to his temple and told everyone he was ‘really, really, really gonna do it,’ and not to ‘test’ him because he ‘like, really, totally, for sure will do it, man.'”
Agent Oberglen reported that just after President Trump finished his routine second fried hamburger breakfast cinnamon toast bowl of the morning, he informed his secretary that he wished to speak to Mexico’s president. Moments later, he was on the line with President Andrés Manuel López Obrador. Oberglen presented reporters with a transcribed call log from the Oval Office, freshly printed. The pages were still warm and had that “just printed” smell you kinda always wonder why you can’t get as a car scent.
“Hole-ar, Manny! It’s President Don. You know, that makes me wonder, why don’t I just shortened it to PresiDON instead of president? It sounds so much better my way don’t you think,” Mr. Trump greeted the President of Mexico. “I do anyway, and you know, it says right there in our Constitution that whatever I say is true fact? That’s what I could make out over the sound of Stephen Miller gargling blood samples from the migrant children in our concentration camps, anyway. That was the gist of what I could understand, is what I’m trying to tell you.”
The call transcription shows that approximately twenty-five minutes later, President Trump circled back to the reason for his phone call.
“Manny, look, you know I love your country. You know I love your people. Your taco bowls! Oh! So fuckin’ good Manny,” Trump exclaimed. “You know how I called so many of you rapists, drug dealers, and killers? Well, I would say that since being PresiDON, my estimation of how many of you are good people has gone up, what? At least two, maybe three percent. Still not sending your best, Manny, but hey, they ain’t electin’ the best up here right now, know what I mean, Manny?”
Trump laughed uproariously at his own joke. The call transcription shows that approximately three minutes later, Trump returned to the topic at hand.
“I hate to say it Manny, but I gotta do it, I gotta put this gun in my hand up to my head, Manny,” Trump shouted into the phone, even though he was holding it extremely close to his mouth and there were bits of fried hamburger breakfast cinnamon toast bowl getting stuck to the receiver. “It’s up to my head, Manny. I swear to God it is! I’m not bluffing! There’s a totally real gun up to my totally real and actual head, Manny!”
Trump farted because he was yelling so hard, and his diet would make even an Olympic athlete become nothing more than a gelatinous bag of sour wind.
“Don’t make me do it, Manny! I swear to God I’ll do it, Manny,” Trump yelled again. “This gun is up to my head, and I swear to God I’m gonna blow my head off!”
Oberglen says that’s when two agents who happened to bringing the president his routine morning fourth Diet Coke bottle heard the word “gun” and rushed into the Oval Office, their own guns drawn and at the ready.
“Oh sweet Dear Fuckin’ Christ Almighty, who the…? What’re you guys doin’ in here,” Trump demanded of the agents. “Can’t you see I’m conductin’ presiDONtial business here?”
The agents explained that they’d heard mention of a gun, and that had forced them to enter the room to ensure he was safe. That’s when they noticed that the president wasn’t holding a firearm, not in any sense that a typical American third grader would recognize. Mr. Trump was holding a water gun, and it appeared to be filled with strawberry Kool-Aid. His charade discovered, Trump voluntarily handed over his water pistol to the agents on the scene, Oberglen said.
“Thank God my tariffs scared them into not making me shoot myself with that very real gun,” Trump later tweeted about the incident. “That’s the only reason I’m alive right now, frankly. My beautiful tariffs. #ExoneratingBiasedWitchHunt #ImpeachMyDickNance.”
As it turns out though, Trump had told the Mexican president about his plan to threaten to shoot himself in the head months ago, and at that time he was told not to do it.
“I told President Trump he shouldn’t be a moron,” President Obrador said in a written statement. “But if there is anything the international community has learned about Donald Trump, it’s that there is no floor to the abyss that is his stupidity. We are grateful, however, ultimately, that while he is so incredibly, self-evidently dumb, he is consistently so. There is that, I guess?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.