Friday, June 9, 2023
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    President Explains Why Only People Who Voted For Him Have First Amendment Rights

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Hot on the heels of a series of tweets that set off a storm of controversy, concern, and outrage, President Donald Trump told the press it’s his understanding of the Constitution that only people who voted for him are entitled to First Amendment rights. The president’s tweets touched off the brouhaha by telling four young, female, brown-skinned lawmakers they can “go back” where they came from if they don’t like America under his stewardship.

    Even after the initial wave of angry outrage — a wave that even crested in certain conservative circles — Trump has been defiant. In the subsequent days, he has double, triple, and quadrupled down on his invective aimed at the women he calls socialists and communists. Trump’s tweets hammered away at the women, dragging up things they’ve said that have stirred up anger among his nativist base.

    Hours later, reporters caught up with Trump as he took a walk around the White House lawn to “fart out the dinner” as he said with a grin.

    “I’m pretty sure what they’re doing, this so-called Squad of urbans? Which, by the way, since when did we start having urban squads on anything but our basketball courts, am I right, ladies and gentlemen? I’ll be here all night,” Trump began his routine.

    Farting once more to help finish a thought, Trump continued.

    “Let me just say this, okay,” Trump told reporters, “I’m the president guy now. And if you read the Constitution, and believe me I’ve read the entire thing at least six hundred million times, literally, and so I know this is true….In fact I had the best constitutional lawyers I could buy check me on this, so all you egghead libtard lawyer-types can blow me if you don’t like this. But anyway, the point is, I’m going to use the powers the Constitution gives the president to enforce the rule that only people who voted for me can have the First Amendment. Okay?”

    The press corps were shocked. They couldn’t quite believe what they were hearing. After a moment of perplexed inner-turmoil, one reporter finally got up the gumption to ask on what authority Trump would make such a decree.

    “Isn’t the point of the Constitution that anything the president says goes,” Trump asked.

    Trump genuinely wanted to know the answer to the question, it seemed.

    “Because that’s what my people told me,” Trump continued, “and my people never lie to me. Why would they lie to me and tell me exactly what it is I want to hear? I mean, am I a super-wealthy, super-powerful man? Sure. Would I have the means to hire nothing but a team of Yes Men and Yes Women? Sure. But that’s not the point is it? No, really is it? I kind of lose track of my thought if I talk for more than a few seconds at a time. Who wants muffins? I love muffins!”

    Trump could sense he was losing his audience, so he tried one more time to explain his position in a way everyone would understand. He sniffed deeply, and cleared his throat. He spoke loudly and with great hubris.

    “So, the president is appointed by the people, right,” Trump asked rhetorically, pausing approximately two nanoseconds before continuing, “and the people are the voters. The voters who voted for me, picked the next President of the United States of America. I’m for them. They’re America. The real America. The gun toting, ammo hoarding, red blooded, meat eating, anti-LGBT, Islamaphobic, scared, snookered, cheated, bamboozled patriots of this great nation. They’re the only American citizens I will recognize, the ones who voted for me. The others? Well, they didn’t vote for me. And you know what I say to the ones who didn’t vote for me? Well, I’ve been practicing sounding more presidential so, let’s just say, FUCK THEM.”

    PresidentTrump lost the popular vote by the second largest margin in U.S. history. His Electoral College victory margin was less than both Obama and Bill Clinton terms.

    Another Story: Trump Threatens To Deport “The Squad” To New Mexico

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.