WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump is reportedly seething right now, angry at being snubbed by Hollywood actor Peter Falk.
Despite the fact that Falk has been dead for about eight years, Mr. Trump, according to sources in the White House, invited him to attend a special day of celebration. When Mr. Falk didn’t show up, Trump apparently got extremely agitated. The president has threatened to “nuke Columbo, Ohio” in response.
“Today, President Trump joined the country in celebrating Columbo Day,” White House Senior racism adviser Stephen Miller told reporters, “and as such, he was truly looking forward to Mr. Falk’s company and attendance at the celebration. Because of his transgression against our Dear President, King Trump has authorized the military to nuke Columbo, Ohio.”
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Mr. Miller acknowledged that Falk wouldn’t have been able to attend the celebration at the White House, due to his not being alive. However, Miller argued, that is “irrelevant to the discussion” because “even in death, every American should honor, worship, adore, and love our good, clean, white president.” Miller intimated that perhaps Falk “died on purpose” as a way to “roll over for the loony left and extremist Democrats.”
“Why didn’t Mr. Falk stay alive long enough to celebrate Columbo Day with the president? We know it must related to Benghazi somehow,” Sean Hannity told his radio audience today, “and I for one am glad that Rudy Giuliani is running his own, personal, shadow State Department so that he can leverage the power of the presidency to coerce foreign governments into committing to sham investigations, because he’ll get to the bottom of this, or at the very least make up a story that sounds like he got to the bottom of this. Because he’s a patriot.”
Later in the day, Mr. Trump was seen roaming the halls of the White House. Reporters asked him why he looked so glum. He said that he was “super bummed out” because he had been looking forward to asking Falk about his famous right eye. Falk, at the age of 3, had that eye surgically removed due to cancer concerns. Trump said Falk’s eye reminded him of one of his former staff members.
“Everyone knows people with wonky eyes are my favorite! Just ask Sarah Huckabee Sanders,” Trump shouted at reporters. “I just wanted to spend some time with him. Ask him how he solved all those mysteries. Because I have a few mysteries I’d like to keep as mysterious as possible. So it’d be like a cat burglar learning how to avoid getting caught from a cop! But no! He had to up and die eight years ago. I have a feeling he did that on purpose too! He must’ve been a Bob Mueller Angry Democrat Crooked Hillary Sleepy Joe supporter!”
Despite the fact that Falk couldn’t attend, Trump said his Columbo Day celebration was “perfect in every way.”
“With or without some Hollywood liberal celebrity, we had the best Columbo Day event the White House has ever held,” Trump said, beaming. “In fact, I dare the fake news media to fact check me on that one. Go on! Prove this wasn’t the best attended, most universally popular Columbo Day celebration ever!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.