WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump is going to sue you if you don’t vote for him. At least that’s what the alleged billionaire real estate mogul and former reality-TV star told reporters this morning on the White House lawn. Mr. Trump said that he and his “bestest lawyers” confirm that he can in fact sue anyone who did not vote for him to be re-elected, regardless of laws concerning privacy and voting.
“Laws can be gotten around,” Trump said to reporters, adding, “I’ll find a way. I’m a yooge winner. Yooge winners make things happen, no matter what so-called laws or rules say.”
Trump, pausing for a moment to fart, told reporters he plans to “hire people” who will follow you into the voting booth. There, the inspectors will make sure you “vote the way the Constitution says you have to.”
“I will hire people to follow you into the booth and watch you vote to make sure nothing illegal happens,” Trump told the media. “If you don’t vote for me, you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.”
Trump said that he’s “pretty much somewhat about 85 to 95 percent sure” that what he’s proposing is “legal as long as you change what the word legal means to ‘anything Donald fuckin’ Trump does'” and that he’ll “grease any palm” he has to “like a yooge winner” would do.
Trump also announced that as part of this plan, Muslim Americans and Mexican Americans would be “doubly sued” for not voting for him.
“Some might ask me how I could expect anyone of Mexican descent, or who practices the Islamic faith could vote for me,” Trump bellowed, “but when a candidate is so perfectly suited for the friggin’ job like I am, what kind of fuck-face doesn’t vote for that candidate? A Muslim or Mexican fuck-face, I’d presume. So we sue them extra hard, of course.”
Women who rebuff his sexual advances will also be sued, Trump said, if they don’t vote for him.
“Also, women who won’t let me schlong them will get sued if they don’t vote for me triply hard,” Trump said.
The president said he’d “invent new ways to sue people” if they didn’t vote for him and that “only a yooge friggin’ idiot wouldn’t vote for a winner” like himself.
“They don’t just let anyone file for bankruptcy at least four times in their lives,” Trump said, “only the really, truly special ones get that many chances to run businesses into the ground. That’s the kind of leadership you need, by the way, the kind I can give. And I will be the best at taking our government through bankruptcy proceedings.”
What if he doesn’t win, he was asked.
“If I don’t win, then I will sue every single American as part of a class action lawsuit,” Trump said, “I’m the class, obviously, and you all will be the defendants.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”