VALLE CHORIZO, CALIFORNIA — A landmark case is working itself through the California court system, and depending on its result, could have deep, penetrating repercussions for generations to come.
Two weeks ago, in the Chingadero County Courthouse, a petition was filed by 35-year old Jack Saucisse’s dick. Mr. Saucisse’s penis is suing Saucisse for power of attorney. Over the course of the last 20 years or so, Jack’s dick says, Jack has made “numerous questionable decisions of a sexual nature” and ended up blaming it on “thinking with his dick.” Saucisse’s penis argues, therefore, that if he’s going to have to “shoulder the blame for every wrong turn,” he is entitled to have legal authority over Jack’s entire body, and mind.
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Given that this is such a unique case with long-lasting ramifications, we reached out to Jack’s dick and set up a Skype session with him. Jack’s dick agreed to the interview. Earlier this week, we conducted that interview with Jack’s penis, who said his name is Schlonger McDongerstein, a name Jack gave him.
“And that’s one of the first things I’d do to exercise my power of attorney,” Schlonger told us. “I’d change my absolutely ridiculous name. I get it, Jack was 13 when he named me, but c’mon! It’s time for growth. God knows I could use as much growth as I can get.”
McDongerstein says that a lot of people are “making a lot out of” his lawsuit, but to him it’s a “simple matter of logic and logistics.”
“I make all the decisions already, anyway,” Schlonger said, “According to him I do, anyway. So, I figured that we might as well make it official and take care of the paperwork now.”
The court filings don’t go into great, graphic detail about any of the decisions that Saucisse pinned on him, and McDongerstein said he respects the other parties involved too much to give very many specifics. However, he said he wanted to “make it as clear as possible” that nothing illegal was done. Everyone was of age and willfully, actively consenting to whatever it was they were getting up to.
“But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t gross. Or weird. Or just, you know, a bad idea,” McDongerstein explained. “I mean, banging your boss’s sister is probably always a dicey move, anyway. It might be illegal to bone her and then ghost her, but sure is stupid. Jack was out of a job for a few months after that shit all went down. And guess who he blamed whenever he’d talk about it with his friends? That’s right. Me.”
When we asked Jack, he said that the lawsuit took him “quite by surprise.” He’d felt that he and his dick had always had a “pretty good bond” with each other. However, it was obvious from the motion filed in court, that he and his penis “have a lot of water to put under the bridge.”
“Maybe I took Schlonger for granted. I mean, you just get used to him being there, you know,” Jack said in his defense, “and in hindsight, I maybe should have taken responsibility for fucking that guacamole bacon cheeseburger in the Carl’s Jr. parking lot instead of telling the judge my dick made me do it. I know Schlonger’s never really forgiven me for having to do community service for that. I hope we can find common ground again, at some point.”
Jack said he’s still “weighing it out in [his] mind,” whether he’ll contest the suit.
“Maybe Scholonger’s right. Maybe I should just let him really have control,” Jack said. “God knows if I’m in a position where he’s got to decide whether they pull the plug on me, he’ll make the right call out of survival and self-preservation alone. So, I don’t know that I want a long and lengthy court battle over this.”
The first hearing in McDongerstein vs. Saucisse is scheduled for later this spring.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.