Times are, well, kinda craycray right now, aren’t they? Seems like everywhere you look, there’s some kind of incredibly hard to believe thing happening. In one such case, it appears that one of America’s two major political parties is in metamorphing throes of an existential crisis. When it’s all said and done, will this party make a full transition into a death cult of personality of one, singular man?
It certainly seems that way. But, well, how can you tell if the political party you belong to is becoming a death cult or not? You’re in luck! We have five ways you can tell for yourself.
Step One: Pay Attention to The Words Coming Out of Your Party’s Politicians’ Mouths
Politicians love the sound of their own voice. They are hard-wired to speak so that they can hear that sound and it soothes them. So if you want to figure out if your political party is turning into a death cult of personality, listen to the guys on your side. Are they making all kinds of excuses for antidemocratic, lawless behavior simply because the guy who’s doing all that lawless stuff is in their political party? Well, you’re one step closer to figuring out if you’re in a cult, my friend!
Step Two: No. Really. Just Listen to What They’re Saying
Did the senator from your state make a super big deal recently about not holding an impeachment for someone after they’re no longer in office? Did that same person spend years harassing a certain former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady to force her testify before Congress? Did she, in fact, end up testifying for almost twelve solid hours? Well, you’ve got a pretty good indication of cult status right there.
Step Three: Have You Been Paying Attention? Just Listen.
About twenty five years ago, did someone in your party go on a crusade over a blowjob in the Oval Office? Did they claim said beejer was an affront to American values, and that it immediately disqualified the blow-getter from office for all time? Then, just a week ago did that same self-righteous fuckface look the other way and vote to acquit a guy who staged a domestic terror attack on your capitol building? If so, guess what? You might just be in that cult we keep talking about.
Step Four: It Really Should Be Obvious By Now.
They give us clues all the time. We just have to open to hearing them. For each equivocation they make, for each excuse they allow a certain tangerine-tinted doucherocket to make for his attack on our democracy, they give us all one more hint, one more clue about the cult status of their political movement.
Step Five: They’re a Cult. And If You’re Still In The Party, You’re In The Cult, Too.
In America, you have the absolute right to join any cult you want. Some people make sports team fandom a cult. Some people treat Star Wars like a cult, and apparently, now about 74 million Americans consider themselves part of a cult devoted to stroking the ego of a former reality-TV game show host. Unto each their own, but please don’t get too upset when you find out how much we all make fun of you when you’re not around, okay, cultist?
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.