Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    White House: Articles of Impeachment Don’t Have Enough Pictures So Trump Can’t Understand Them

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House released a letter this morning, demanding that the House Democrats revise the articles of impeachment against President Donald J. Trump.

    The Trump administration is not demanding any substantive changes to the content of the articles, nor to the charges levied against the president. Rather, the White House and Trump’s outside legal counsel are forcefully and formally requesting that the impeachment articles be heavily revised to “include as many pictures and/or full-color drawings as possible.” They argue that Trump’s reading level is so low that he’ll “get bored and not be able to fully understand” the charges against him without a lot of pictures to keep him engaged.

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    “We hereby demand that the House Democrats immediately revise their Articles of Impeachment to include many, many, many more pictures than they currently contain,” the White House letter reads. “This is not only fair to Trump, but also will ensure that he has a good, full grasp on just what is happening. We’re afraid that without pictures, it still won’t register in the president’s brain, or what he refers to his brain but what others might call, ‘Jello-o in an empty skull,’ that he’s been impeached until after the vote comes down in the House.”

    The two articles of impeachment unveiled this morning accuse President Trump of abusing his power and then obstructing congressional efforts to investigate his abuse of power. It’s a scenario that is seemingly playing out similarly to the articles of impeachment drafted against President Richard Nixon. Though Nixon resigned in disgrace before a full House vote on them, among the articles drafted against Nixon were those charging him with abusing his power to target political rivals and obstructing congress.

    “It’s like deja vu all over again,” one presidential historian told us. “You know what they say about history repeating itself? Well, it would appear the Republican Party’s base has decided to get on a hamster wheel.”

    Trump defenders seem to be counting on the GOP majority in the Senate acting as a firewall against his conviction and removal from office. Regardless of that fact, Trump looks to be on a collision course with history yet again, becoming just the third president formally impeached by the House of Representatives. Whether or not the stain of impeachment has any impact on his 2020 presidential campaign remains to be seen.

    “By denying President Trump his basic right to interpret the charges against him using pictures and images, Nancy Pelosi and her fellow Democrats are doing a great disservice to this nation, and to the president himself,” the White House letter asserts. “If you wouldn’t charge a toddler with a crime without some pictures to explain the charges to them, how could you do the same to this president? It’s unfair in the extreme, and we hereby demand that the situation be remedied ASAP.”

    Reportedly, the Democrats are already in talks with an artist to create illustrations to be inserted in a copy of the articles of impeachment they’ll deliver to the White House later today.

    “We’re trying to get connected with President Trump’s third smartest son Don Jr, to see if he can take the crayon out of his nose and draw some pictures his daddy can understand,” one Democratic staffer told us, “but we know there’s a risk there, because we’ll have to explain to Junior with hand signals what the articles mean. We hope he can translate that into pictures. He’s actually, somehow, dumber and more illiterate than his father. Heady times, indeed.”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.