VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson told his telecongregation this morning that he was “praying super-duper hardcore hard” for those in the path of Hurricane Dorian.
“Of course, I hope that our Dear President, the Chosen One, the true messiah, Donald Trump, is able to blast Dorian out of existence with a nuclear bomb,” Robertson said this morning, “but we can’t predict the future, and if that doesn’t happen, or for some strange reason doesn’t work, then I want my prayer to be a good, solid back up plan.”
Robertson also said, however, that there’s something “certain people” can do that could stop Dorian in its tracks.
“Look, folks, I know I’m not supposed to say things like this or the very real gay army will come and haul me away to one of Obama’s FEMA camps, but I gotta just say it,” Robertson said, “if the Florida and Puerto Rico gays stop having the sex with each other, we might stop Hurricane Dorian! Think about it. We all know doing the gay sex is a total sin, no matter how much it’s not specifically mentioned by Jesus or anything. We also all know that God punishes us all the time, you know, because he’s the God of love? Anyway, of course Hurricane Dorian is punishment for gays having sexy times with each other, because it’s not like he’s gonna punish Florida for being pro-Trump or anything.”
Pastor Robertson believes that if God were to “look down on his flock” and see the LGBTQ community “holding back their sinful, lustful, admittedly intriguing and very arousing impulses,” he might decide to spare everyone the devastation that Dorian could bring with it.
“Just think about it, folks! If God wakes up in his Heavenly bed, turns off the heavenly alarm clock, looks down upon the United States, and sees the g`
Mr. Robertson suggested that if the LGBTQ community doesn’t want to completely cut off their sexual activity, they can “cut out the gayest of the gay stuff and maybe that’ll be enough for God.”
“Friends, at the end of the day, God’s most worried about the butt stuff, okay? Like, we all know that the Bible says somewhere in it, ‘Ye should not be doing the anal,'” Robertson insisted. “So I suppose that if the gays really just want to limit themselves to wristies, handies, blowies, and rimmies, that’s okay. But insertion is a no no! I mean that, now, insertion is a definite no-no!”
Reached for comment, Larry “God” Schumway told heavenly reporters that Robertson is “off his tits again” and that people should “do what they always do” with what he says.
“Ignore him. Keep ignoring him. Patty is touched. I have way, way, way too much on my plate to care about where you guys put your genitals as long as kids aren’t involved,” God said. “Seriously, stop bugging me about it. The planet Gelbar 8 is in the middle of a full-on uprising among the Hiznaba and Jilzby tribes! When will you damn humans wake up and realize it’s not all about you and your stupid problems?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”