Monday, October 2, 2023
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    Pat Robertson Blames California Wildfires On State Not Picking Trump In 2016

    VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — While multiple wildfires engulf parts of California, world famous televangelist Pat Robertson has begun to float some theories as to how and why the fires started in the first place.

    “Well, look, far be it for me to put words into God’s mouth, except, you know, when I do it all the other times,” Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club television show this morning. “But, can we deny the simple facts that in 2016 California went for Hillary, and now they’re completely on fire all over the place? All I’m saying is it’s well known fact that God helps those that make false idols before him.”

    Mr. Robertson — who has blamed Americans’ lack of Godliness for prior natural disasters — believes that if California’s Electoral College votes had been allocated to Trump instead of Hillary Clinton, the fires currently raging in the Golden State would not only be smaller, they’d be quite different from other, regular fires.

    “With God on your side, you command armies, even fiery ones! So let’s just say a fire breaks out in Alabama,” Robertson said. “That fire will actually build homes in its path. It’s like an un-fire I tell you!”

    Robertson attempted to knock down some of his critics ahead of time as well.

    “Does this make any sense? Well, let me ask you something,” Robertson quipped. “Does a burning bush that can make sense? Does a virgin getting impregnated with the literal son of God without even having sex make sense? Does it make sense that same son of God would die and rise up from the grave like a zombie three days later, only to literally ascend to heaven right before peoples’ very eyes?”

    Smugly, Robertson leaned back in his chair.

    “As they say in chess, Chex Mix, atheists,” Robertson said.

    Before ending his segment on the California fires, Robertson offered one more piece of evidence he called “irrefutable” to back up his theory.

    “Hell is made of fire, is it not,” Robertson asked rhetorically before adding, “Chex mix AGAIN, atheists!”

    James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.