GRAS RACISTE EN SUEUR RIVER VALLEY, KENTUCKY — John Schnatter, founder and ousted CEO of pizza chain Papa John’s, gave an interview to Bloated Asshole Monthly which was published this week. In it, Mr. Schnatter reveals that in the span of thirty calendar days, he used the same amount of cocaine that he’d normally use in a forty day span.
“How the fuck else do you think I was able to stay awake long enough to eat all those damn pizzas? After about ten, I’d be in a pizza coma,” Schnatter told Bloated Asshole’s interviewer. “I had to have something to power through the mozzarella and shame of eating all those pizzas in a month. How else would anyone else do it? I’ll tell you how — co-motherfucking-caine, y’all.”
Mr. Schnatter is in a video that is currently going viral in which he slams his former company. He says in the video that he had an extraordinary amount of pizza in a month, and it confirmed for him that the quality of the food has been slipping. Many noted that Schnatter’s voice seemed different and he, in general, looked like his health was declining. Some wondered if it was the extreme amount of pizza he’d eaten in such a short period of time that made the changes to his voice and appearance, but Schnatter dismissed those concerns in his Bloated Asshole interview.
“Nah, it wasn’t the pizzas doing that stuff to me,” Schnatter explained, “it was the cocaine! But then again, the cocaine did help me gulp and devour all those pizzas. So maybe it was a tandem kinda deal. Who knows? Hey, speaking of coke…got any? No? That’s cool, I’m holding anyway. I was just hoping we could hit your stash, you know, so I had more coke I could do on the way home from this interview.”
The interviewer said at that moment, Schnatter produced a vial of cocaine and a pizza from seemingly out of nowhere. Schnatter dumped the contents of the vial onto the coffee table between them, and then took out two slices of the pepperoni and olive pizza. Pulling out a razor blade, Schnatter spoke to the reporter while he chopped up the coke, and then the pizza, mixing the two together into a gloppy, red goo which he then divided into six equal, thin lines on the table. That’s when he started holding one nostril shut and vacuuming up the pizzacoke.
“Look, maybe I should’ve kept some of my racism in check and I’d still have a job, but we’d still have to deal with our pretty shitty pizza,” Schnatter admitted, sauce and cocaine dripping from his nose. “So, I don’t know what I’m saying here. Maybe I’ll just do another pizza-bump and watch some Netflix or something.”
Schnatter divulged that cocaine has played a large role throughout his life.
“I think I was either coming down off a three day coke bender, or starting a ten day coke bender, when I started blurting out the N-word during corporate conference calls and blaming uppity black people for the decline in our sales,” Schnatter said. “Because in my coke-addled mind, it just simply couldn’t be the case that Americans were tired of pizza that tastes like cardboard covered in Ragu and topped with dandruff shavings and cheap lunch meat. It had to be some kind of vast left-wing conspiracy, and I’ll tell you right here, right now. With all the coke in my veins right now, I’m prepared to stick by that assessment, fam.”
Schnatter announced he was considering a move to South Dakota, as well.
“I saw somewhere that Kellyanne Conway was going to move there,” Schnatter said, “because they’re all on meth out there. And I figured that maybe switching from blow to meth might help me in any number of ways. Not sure what those ways are, but basically I want to do meth and eat pizza until I die. Is that so wrong, AMERICA?!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.