Friday, June 9, 2023
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    Trump Hereby Orders WalMart to Handout Free Guns to White Rural Voters

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is not done ordering around American companies. Recently, Mr. Trump took to twitter and “hereby” ordered American companies with facilities in China to return to the United States.

    It was a move that would have almost certainly drawn swift rebuke from congressional Republicans if made by Barack Obama or Bill Clinton. However, most elected Republicans didn’t say much about it publicly, and now Trump has issued another direct order to an American firm, this time one of the largest and richest on the planet. Now, WalMart finds itself at the receiving end of a direct order from the most powerful alleged billionaire trust fund racist on the planet.

    “WalMart is hereby officially ordered to immediately begin handing out free guns to our wonderful, white working class voters,” Trump shouted at the press in the Oval Office. “If you live in a state that went for Trump last time, you get a free gun. Even in Alabama, a state I totally and completely know the location of. Trump state, free gun. Bing, bang, boom. Presidenting as fuck!”

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    Trump snapped his fingers and a crayon and cocktail napkin appeared. He began scrawling the crayon over the napkin. Beaming with pride, he held it up when it was done.

    “See? Your favorite president has just protected the American value of free market enterprise by giving a direct order to a company in the private sector,” Trump said. “What a genius! Who said that? I didn’t say that. Clearly I didn’t call myself a genius, even though I am and this order clearly proves that. But I didn’t say it. Obviously. Still, am a genius. Totally. Genius as fuck!”

    Trump farted in delight.

    “You can’t just stop doing stuff because you think it’s better for your business in the long run. Not on my watch,” Trump shouted again. “It’s obvious to me and my incredibly smart supporters that WalMart was caving to the Bob Mueller AOC Squad Angry Democrat mob. Even though they’ve never felt the need to cave to liberals in literally any other instance, it’s obvious that’s what happened here. Uh-uh. Not gonna happen. Not while I’m in charge!”

    This week, WalMart announced it was ending sales of handgun ammunition and would be instituting a policy that prevents customers from bringing their guns into their stores. The policy change comes within a matter of days of multiple high-profile, gun related incidents at WalMart locations. Trump’s order, he says, supersedes their new policy.

    “I have the right, as the president, to boss around anyone I want to,” Trump said, “and not because I’m president. Because I’m rich and my mommy and daddy told me I could.”

    Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is reportedly so upset by Trump’s unconstitutional order that she’s considering a move she’s been heretofore reluctant to make.

    “While impeachment is not on the table, still, I will now be forced to really seriously consider wagging my finger extra hard and clucking my tongue extra loudly at him,” Pelosi told reporters. “Golly I’m so mad I could almost DO something about it!”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.