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    Omar Offers to Pay to Send Rand Paul to a Real Hairdresser

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) is a lightning rod for conservative outrage. She’s a female progressive Muslim, which to most Trumpian Republicans means she’s just to the left of Hitler politically, and to the further left of Satan spiritually. Omar has come under attack repeatedly by Republicans who call her “anti-semitic” because she once questioned why the secular government of Israel has so much monetary influence on the American government.

    This week, Sen. Rand Paul, a Republican from Kentucky, bashed Omar in the press. Mr. Paul said that he’d buy Omar a ticket to go back to Somalia, the country she was born in before eventually becoming a naturalized U.S. citizen, so she can learn to “appreciate” America more. For many, Paul’s words were a throwback to a time in American politics when racism was much more prevalent and tolerated, while Paul’s defenders have pointed out Omar is a Democrat and therefore deserves to be treated as harshly as humanly possible.

    While it was unclear if or when Omar would respond to Paul’s xenophobic taunts, she broke her silence this morning outside a D.C. area photomat, and suggested to reporters that she’s willing to bury the hatchet with Senator Paul.

    “I’d like to say that I’m surprised by Senator Paul’s racism, but I’ve read things his father wrote in the past and I’ve always felt that the racist acorn doesn’t fall far from the racist tree,” Omar told the reporters who found her, “but all that being said, I’m interested in a truce with Senator Paul. We both have better things to do. Me, I have to help my constituents, and he has to help his employers. I know Putin is pretty unforgiving, so he’s probably under a lot of stress.”

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    Congresswoman Omar has decided to take Sen. Paul up on his offer and take the flight to Somalia, with one condition.

    “He has to let me pay for his trip to a real hairdresser,” Omar side, barely containing a laugh. “If he lets me send him to a hairdresser that can make whatever he’s alleging is hair actually become hair, sure, I’ll take a jaunt to Somalia for the little racist imp.”

    Rep. Omar says Paul’s hair is “so weird and unconvincing” that she used to believe he was hiding his true stance on a key conservative issue because of it.

    “I always thought Rand might be secretly pro-choice because his hair is an absolute abortion,” Omar said. “Apparently, though, he’s definitely pro-Gilead, but just happens to have one of the worst approximations of a human haircut and style. Ever.”

    Senator Paul was not able to be reached for a comment.

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.