Monday, October 2, 2023
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    OJ Simpson Furnishes Media With Letter Signed By 65 Women He Didn’t Murder

    MATADOR, NEVADA — Former NFL star OJ Simpson held a press conference this week and presented to various media outlets a letter he says is signed by 65 women who he didn’t brutally murder, and he told reporters he wished that “someone had told” him he could clear his name in such a way “about 25 years ago.”

    “I had no idea that when you’re accused of a committing a vile act, all you have to do is show people a letter written by a few dozen potential victims that you didn’t actually victimize,” Simpson said, “and that gets you off free and clear. Man, I could’ve saved so much money in legal fees.”

    Simpson surprised those in attendance when he told them that he had actually proposed something similar to his team of lawyers many years ago, but that they all had laughed right in his face at the suggestion.

    “They told me no self-respecting adult, let alone judge or jury, would see a letter like that and assume the person presenting is innocent,” Simpson said. “They said it kind of sends the signal of desperation. Hell, Cochrane told me that’d be like Himmler presenting the Hague with a letter signed by six million Jews he didn’t oversee the murder of.”

    OJ laughed.

    “But flash forward 20 years and all of a sudden that’s a good enough excuse for past transgressions,” Simpson said. “Amazing. So, here I am, with a letter I got signed by 65 women I didn’t nearly decapitate in a blind, jealous rage. So, I hope this letter finally puts any FAKE NEWS reports to the contrary to rest.”

    Simpson handed the letter to one reporter and started walking away. He stopped, snapped his fingers, and walked back to the reporters.

    “I’ll have one written by 65 waiters I didn’t murder in a fit of homicidal rage for you all next week,” Simpson said. “Just to, you know, clear my name and shit. You understand.”

    This is a developing story.

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    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.