LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — Former NFL superstar OJ Simpson was acquitted of murdering two people in cold blood after his 1995 case was completed. It was considered the “trial of the century.” Many of long wondered if Simpson literally got away with murder. In a new interview with OJ, he indicates a new legal defense for his actions, over 20 years later.
“Maybe I got away with murder, maybe I didn’t. Who’s to say? All I know is this,” Simpson told the interviewer. “I don’t even know why we’re bringing this up now. I’m clearly innocent because they didn’t have enough evidence.”
At that point, the interviewer showed Simpson exhibit after exhibit from his trial. OJ laughed the evidence off.
“Sure, that evidence looks like, to anyone with even a modicum of sense, that I murdered Ron Goldman and my ex-wife Nicole, and like a giant moron left a long trail of blood and DNA evidence back to my compound,” OJ said, “but for whatever reason, that wasn’t enough for the jury to convict me. So, clearly, all that evidence was just, in the end, insufficient. It doesn’t matter that my shit was literally covered in their blood, that’s just evidence! It’s not SUFFICIENT evidence. Get it?”
Simpson says in the interview that, ultimately, he’s innocent because there “was insufficient evidence.”
“Sure, there was more than enough evidence to convict me later in a civil case. And yes, of course there was more than enough to convict me in the court of public opinion,” Simpson says. “But, there was insufficient evidence and therefore, in our country, a person is innocent. The case is closed! Thank you.”
Simpson took the time during the interview to announce that he’d retained the services of a new lawyer to handle “any and all questions about that whole double homicide thing” going forward.
“I’ve just hired Bill Barr to represent me. I didn’t think he’d do it because I figured there had to be some kind of guidelines against that sort of thing,” OJ said. “That’s because I forgot how much Bill Barr is willing to lower himself. He took my retainer fee right away and said he’d make sure to spin everything about my case in the most positive light possible.”
President Trump was asked about OJ’s comments and he said he “completely understands where OJ is coming from.”
“When you’re innocent purely on a technicality, that still counts, fam,” Trump said while stuffing a copy of the Constitution directly up his ass. “And it’s important to remind everyone as much as you can that you’re innocent as hell, even though that’s only based on a legal definition and not a dictionary one.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.