SECRET SHARIA BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN KENYA — Yesterday, Lord Blacky McVoldemort Hussein Obama turned on a large monitor in his Sharia Voodoo Lair. Saying a short “Hail Satan,” he turned the channel to CNN, where he saw thousands of armed Americans in the state of Virginia, openly carrying their rifles in direct violation of new state laws, and his blood pressure shot up. Turning to his right, he found his High Empress of Socialized Medicine and Communism Czar Michelle Obama’s gaze. He could not believe his eyes.
“Holy shit, Michelle,” Lord Obama yelled at the top of his lungs, “How…did I miss all those guns?! My operatives told me before we left the White House they had personally snuck into every single law-abiding gun owners’ home and stolen all their firearms. How the hell did these people sneak under the radar like that?!”
Empress Obama didn’t know. She guessed that perhaps in the years since he left office, some Americans had somehow managed to get their hands on guns again. Or, she also posited, maybe her husband wasn’t actually able to take everyone’s guns away.
“Impossible, Michelle! That’s just impossible,” Lord Obama shouted. “Of course the government lackeys who worked for me could have been lying. We all know libtarded government officials lie and Republican ones only protect, project, and tell the truth. But if it’s true that I didn’t take everyone’s guns away, then that would mean Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity were the liars! And when have they ever told a lie? They’re literally incapable of it because Jesus Christ personally told them so!”
Between the two of them, neither Lord Obama nor Empress Michelle could figure out how so many Americans had managed to slip through the grasp of their Gun Grabbing Brigade.
“The GGB was personally overseen by Hillary! She told me she would send anyone who didn’t give up their gun to Benghazi and order an even bigger stand-down,” Obama raged. “There’s no way she would have missed this! Unless, wait, am I just repeating stuff Alex Jones pretended was true? Everything is so confusing to me!”
At one point, Obama picked up the phone and dialed “666.” He waited for someone on the other end to pick up, nervously and anxiously tapping his fingers on his desk, which is made from the crushed up tissues of the third trimester abortions he forced women to get during his tenure as president. Obama looked over at the wall to his right at the aerial photo of the mass gay marriage he insisted upon via an executive order, and a smile crept across his face. That was a good day. This, however, was not.
Finally, someone picked up.
“Hail Satan,” Obama greeted the party on the other end.
The other party gave the correct response of “Hail Satan” back to Obama.
“Master Soros, I reached out to you via the Devil’s Hotline because this is an emergency of the highest order,” Obama began. “Did you watch any of the gun rally in Richmond today? You did? You’ve got to tell me, how did all those guns get by our inquisitor squads and impressment gangs? Did we not run the Jade Helm operation to its conclusion? Was I lied to by right-wing media about my own activities in relation to gun ownership? Something isn’t adding up, Master Soros. Help me, you’re my only hope!”
Even George Soros couldn’t use his dark magic to divine the reason so many good, clean, ammo hoarding Christian pro-life patriots had managed to retain ownership of guns that Lord Obama had ordered confiscated, though.
“None of this makes any sense, Master Soros,” Obama declared. “It’s almost like, and I cannot believe I’m saying this, that all those talking heads were just exploiting gullible people into increasing the profit margins for gun manufacturers! It’s almost like they were full of shit and lied to them over and over again about my designs on stealing away their guns! It’s almost as if all I did was champion common sense gun reforms that, effectively, just argued that crazy and violent people shouldn’t have super-easy access to machines of mass carnage!”
Obama stopped and took a deep breath.
“But there’s no way any of that is true,” the Dark Lord of the SocialSith said, “so I will not stop until I find out exactly how Order 69 was ignored and all these guys kept their guns. As Satan as my witness, I will not rest until I get those guns away from them.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.