Monday, June 5, 2023
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    Barack Obama Narrated Audiobook Version of Explosive New Bolton Memoir

    Former Ambassador and Trump national security adviser John Bolton’s new book, The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir, may very well have permanently altered the course of the impeachment trial against the sitting U.S. president, currently underway in the Senate. According to a new bombshell report in The (Failing) New York Times, Bolton writes that President Donald J. Trump directly linked over 300 million dollars in military aid to the condition of a newly elected President of Ukraine announcing criminal investigations into former Vice President Joe Biden and his son, Hunter. 

    Over dozens of pages, Mr. Bolton described how the Ukraine affair unfolded over several months until he departed the White House in September. He described not only the president’s private disparagement of Ukraine but also new details about senior cabinet officials who have publicly tried to sidestep involvement. (TFNYT)

    Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Trump’s Anal Cavity) has been quite publicly reluctant to have any witnesses called from either side during the Senate impeachment trial. However, only a handful of Republican senators would need to break from McConnell in order to join with Senate Democrats and force him to allow witnesses. Senators Mitt Romney of Utah and Susan Collins of Maine have already given strong signals to the press that the new account of Bolton’s book seems to force their hand in supporting witnesses, so that Bolton may be called to testify. Mr. Trump has denied the allegations in Bolton’s book.

    Graham: “If The Media Were Nicer To Trump, He Wouldn’t Have Tried To Extort Ukraine”

    According to some reports, Bolton may offer to send House Democrats the Audible version of his book, in lieu of his testimony under oath. However, that may not appease Democrats when they find out that Bolton himself may not have read the audiobook version of his memoir. If Democrats want to hear in Bolton’s voice what he knew or didn’t know about Trump’s Ukraine scandal and when, they’ll probably want to pass on his offer to use the Audible version of his book.

    “We are pleased to announce that none other than former President Barack Obama has narrated Audible’s edition of The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir, by Ambassador John Bolton,” the book’s publisher announced in an email this morning. “It’s not often that the American people get a chance to hear a president with such great oratory skills as Mr. Obama these days, so we believe they’ll jump at the chance to hear Mr. Obama’ read Mr. Bolton’s gripping tale of life as an employee of the administration that took the reins from Obama.”

    In a written statement from Obama’s secret communist sharia voodoo lair, he thanked Bolton “for this really fun gig.” Obama’s statement says that he’ll donate his entire paycheck from reading Bolton’s book to a fund dedicated to helping reunite families that have been separated at the border. Obama’s statement explains, at least to some degree, why he decided to take the offer from Bolton’s publisher to be the narrator of the Audible version of the book.

    “For almost a full decade, Donald Trump harassed me. He used my skin color and non-Anglo-sounding name as a cudgel, and he tried to bludgeon me with racist invective and rumor mongering,” Obama wrote. “He demanded I produce copies of my birth certificate. When I did, he claimed they were falsified. In short, Donald Trump was a gelatinous, bloated, racist troll of mine for about ten years. So, to put all the cards on the table, of course I took this job to troll him. Of course I took this gig to needle that needle-dick. And anyone who has ever been bullied by that straw-haired, mangled-donged moron would leap at the chance to do the same.”

    The White House has not responded to this development.

    Obama: “Holy Sh*T Michelle! How Did I Miss All Those Guns?!”

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.