FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — During a press conference this morning, a spokesterrorist for the National Rifle Association announced that the NRA officially backs the Trump administration’s reported effort to ban flavored e-cigarettes due to the sudden outbreak of lung illnesses related to the practice of vaping. However, during the same presser, it was revealed that the NRA supports other measures, if an outright ban is not instituted.

“As everyone who knows anything about us knows,” NRA Junior Deputy Media Liaison Cash Gachette told reporters today, “the NRA is extremely concerned about the well-being of children. That’s why we advocate so tirelessly for a world in which every child grows up literally surrounded on all sides by guns. And while the NRA has traditionally been very much so against prohibition of things in the past, we realized this prohibition would, and I cannot stress this enough, not impact gun sale profit margins, and therefore, we didn’t care about it all that much.”

Gachette told the media the NRA backs the Trump administration “completely and fully no matter what” due to “certain shared friendships and partnerships around the globe.”

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“Let’s just say that we have similar comrades in the Kremlin,” Gachette said with a wink. “Know what I mean? Let’s just say we won’t be RUSSIAN away from President Trump any time soon, get it?”

Gachette winked again.

“But if the administration decides to go a different route, and let’s say they decide a full ban is unnecessary,” Gachette explained, “the NRA fully backs efforts to institute universal background checks for all vaping products. After all, don’t we want to make sure our kids can’t get their hands on such deadly devices? These aren’t benign implements of peace and love like an AR-15! These are killing machines, and I for one am glad that the Trump administration is doing what they can to keep our kids safe.”

Mr. Gachette reiterated several times that the NRA backs Trump’s regulations because “American lives are at stake.”

“Six entire Americans have died from this deadly threat to our health safety, and we cannot let such an outrageous death toll continue,” Gachette said.

The NRA also would support efforts to force a waiting period into effect for any and all vaping-related purchases.

“Who knows? Maybe we can save a lung or two by making people wait a week,” Gachette wondered aloud, “Maybe if they have time to really think about what it is they’re doing, they’ll reconsider. I mean, they’re not just waltzing into a WalMart and buying a shotgun for god’s sake! They’re buying a personal vice that has so far killed far less kids than guns, or even have died in ICE custody this year! We’re just glad the administration is moving so swiftly. These aren’t first graders turned into Swiss cheese by a semi-automatic rifle; these are mostly older people with chronic health problems to begin with, and we all know the Constitution’s thoughts on subjects like these!”

When asked about a recent report that a California vape producer is starting to give away AR-15 assault rifles with purchases of their cartridges, Gachette said the NRA is “keeping a close eye” on the situation.

“We love anything that involves large numbers of guns being purchased,” Gachette said. “That means promotions, giveaways, police departments, civil wars, whatever. We just want more guns bought with dollars. We don’t even really care if it’s the same sixteen people in a bunker in Alabama buying all the guns. We just want money. Let me reiterate that, because it’s absolutely vital to the survival of the republic. We just want money.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.


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