MEADOWBURGH, MICHIGAN — If she would have known 15 years ago that her husband was such an asshole, 44 year old Kathleen Garrison very likely would never have married him, though she says maybe she just would have had her tubes tied and insisted he get a vasectomy to be on the safe side. Kathy loves her kids as any mother does, she told us, but that doesn’t mean she can’t “see who they really are,” and by her estimation, both her son and her daughter are “massive, unrepentant assholes.”
“Just like their father,” Kathy said, “just complete assholes when they want to be. Don’t get me wrong, they don’t always want to be an asshole. Sometimes it’s just their natural stasis point. Other times they’re not even assholes at all. But the moment something happens and I have to get on one or the other to do their homework, do their chores, or leave their sibling alone, all hell breaks loose and I’m left with dealing with human beings that make herding drunk 22 year olds out of a bar at closing time seem like a walk in the park.”
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Garrison says she began to become suspicious that her husband Mike was a bigger asshole than she had anticipated when she married him about the time that their daughter Kelly turned seven.
“Honestly, I knew he could be an asshole. You don’t hang out with him for longer than ten minutes usually without figuring out he’s at least 50% asshole. But, my daughter was a real clue to just how much an asshole my husband actually is, and that he had been probably hiding how deeply rooted his asshole-ocity is from me. She started doing these things that I’d seen him do, but would chalk up to one thing or another, never thinking he was an outright asshole,” Kathleen said. “As Kelly got older, and then as her brother Matt started showing the same asshole-ness that she did, it started making me take an deeper look at their father’s behavior. All of a sudden, I’m staring right at three assholes every day. I just wish that he’d given me some warning that my kids might end up raging assholes one day, that’s all.”
Kathleen admits that she can be an asshole herself, sometimes, “as all human beings can be,” but what she’s come to realize is that her husband and children are assholes “on a whole new astral plane.” The ways that they display their asshole tendencies make it “impossible to ignore how similarly asshole-y they all are.” She says it’s “like watching a single ass with three holes, shitting all over everything” when the fur really flies at home.
“Maybe we just never were around each other enough for me to see it, but now that I’ve had the chance to witness and engage with three people who are the very same kind of asshole,” Kathleen said, “it’s hard to ignore. We always joke about how much our kids do or don’t look like one of us, commenting on how strong our genes must be, but clearly the asshole gene runs strong in his bloodline.”
One thing she’s sure of is that it’s not her genes behind her kids acting like assholes.
“I’ve never been called an asshole to my face. Not once. Not one single time. My husband gets called an asshole at least sixteen times a week,” Kathleen said, “and that’s by his friends and family. We all joke about it, but you know…I’m starting to think it’s not that funny. At least not when I can’t call my kids assholes without feeling bad about it.
She doesn’t see divorce or anything so drastic in the cards, Kathleen said. Ultimately, she knows there’s not much she can do about it, and she says that despite her husband’s personality helping to turn her kids into complete and total assholes, she still loves all three of them. Kathleen says “that’s just how love works.”
“It’s the power of love,” Kathleen said. “That’s the power of love. It’s a curious thing; it really is. It can make one weep, and another man…do something other than weep. Crazy.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.