WASHINGTON, D.C. — Recently, a former Sesame Street writer made headlines when he said that while he was writing for the “Bert & Ernie” sketches, he was writing the two characters as if they were in a committed, loving, same-sex relationship. The subject of these particular Muppets’ sexuality has been a long-running pop culture joke, with some actually wondering if the generally progressive people behind the iconic children’s show were subversively injecting a message of tolerance in the sketches.
PBS and The Children’s Television Workshop have batted down suggestions that Ernie and Bert were lovers in the past, and this latest episode was no different. However, there is one very powerful man in the United States who doesn’t feel this issue has been worked out to his satisfaction — Vice President Mike Pence.
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“Wait just a golly-gosh-darned-dohickey-heckin’ minute here, Mother,” Pence was overheard shouting at his wife. “You mean to tell me that Bert and Ernie aren’t two homosexual men living in sin?”
Mrs. Pence shook her head “no.”
“Ernie and Bert are not two male lovers, entwined in a loving relationship where they sleep in separate beds — like us — but push them together every so often for a steamy romp,” Pence asked his wife.
Again, she just shook her head “no.”
“And you’re telling me, Mother, that those two puppets weren’t doing unspeakably horny and homoerotic things to each other’s bodies when the cameras weren’t rolling? Is that really what you’re telling me, Mother,” Pence demanded.
Once more, Mrs. Pence could only muster a shaking head.
“Well then YOU tell ME why in the heck I was spanking my crank then,” Pence demanded. “You tell me why I was choking my sausage for all those years if Bert and Ernie aren’t gay as that lovely cabana boy from our honeymoon, Mother!”
Pence was outraged now.
“IF BERT AND ERNIE AREN’T DOING SUPER DUPER GAY STUFF WITH EACH OTHER THEN WHY, OH WHY, DID I JERK OFF TO THEM SO MUCH,” Pence was possibly crying.
Soon, though, he composed himself.
“Oh well, they can’t take my memories from me, and I’m sure I’ll find some other show to project repression onto,” Pence said.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.