MEXICOCITY, MEXICO — Newly elected Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador shocked the world today when he announced that, after two years of pressure from President Trump, his country would agree to build a wall and pay for its construction.
“You know, when Naranja Mierda first started blathering about the wall he wanted to build and have us pay for it, when he was campaigning,” Obrador explained to the Mexican press today, “I was one of the millions of Mexicans who said, ‘Chingalo’ to that entire stupid idea. But after two years of his unhinged racism, idiotic trade wars, and generally destabilizing effect he’s had on everything he’s touched, I have reconsidered our stance, and we will indeed pay to build a wall.”
President Obrador says that over the last couple of years he’s grown more and more concerned about the kinds of Americans who support Trump coming down to Mexico.
“When they come over, they don’t send their best tourists,” Obrador said. “They send racists. They send the poorly educated. They send people who would vote for a Nazi or pedophile before a Democrat. Some, I assume, are good people. Only problem is telling them apart. Once a MAGA hat goes on, who can tell the knuckledraggers from the mouthbreathers from the cousin fuckers from the garden variety rubes and suckers?”
While President Trump may have initially been very excited to about Obrador’s announcement, it’s also entirely possible the finer details of Mexico’s plans might enrage him, Obrador said.
“Of course, this is not all good news for President Trump,” Obrador admitted. “We’re building our wall further north, around a very specific white-painted residence on Pennsylvania Avenue. We figure if we make it about seven or eight feet tall, he won’t be able to climb it. Then again, given his physical condition, he might not be able to get over a six inch high fence, so we’re still working on the wall’s design.”
One last detail about the Mexican White House wall raised a few eyebrows and brought out some chuckles.
“I should clarify that we are not going to appropriate funds for the wall out of our normal revenue streams,” President Obrador said. “We’re going to take a page out of Trumpers’ books and have setup a GoFundMe. But don’t worry Donald, we’ve made sure that only Mexican citizens can donate to it, so in a way, Mexico is indeed paying for a wall. Around your house. Maybe around Trump Tower too.”
This story is developing.