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    President’s Rape Accuser Subpoenas McDonald’s for Trump’s DNA

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Advice columnist E. Jean Carroll is currently locked in a legal dispute with the President of the United States of America. Ms. Carroll has accused Donald Trump of defamation of character, and more seriously, of raping her in a Manhattan dress shop back in the 1990’s. Trump has said that Carroll is lying to sell books, and his lawyers have tired — so far unsuccessfully — to get Carrol’s case thrown out. She is one of a handful of women who are suing the president for defamation in relation to their accusations that he sexually assaulted them.

    Last week, Carroll sought help through the courts to get a sample of Trump’s DNA. According to documents filed in court, there is “unknown male DNA” present on one of Carroll’s dresses. Readers might recall a similar situation during the Bill Clinton presidential administration when some of his DNA was found on a blue dress that belonged to Monica Lewinsky, a young female intern who was having an elicit sexual affair with Clinton at the time she was working in the White House.

    …lawyers served notice to a Trump attorney Thursday for Trump to submit a sample on March 2 in Washington for “analysis and comparison against unidentified male DNA present on the dress.” (AP)

    Trump’s legal team is already trying to block or delay the submission of the president’s DNA to the courts. While it’s unclear if Ms. Carroll will be successful in compelling Trump to provide the DNA sample, her lawyers were back in court today attempting to ascertain it from another source. A newly filed motion seeks to have a D.C. area McDonald’s provide any DNA samples from Trump they may have accumulated in the time since he’s been president.

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    “While we are hoping that the president will submit his DNA to the courts, we understand having watching his sham impeachment trial in the senate that he does not in any way feel obligated to participate in the functioning of American society the way the rest of us do,” Carroll’s lawyers told reporters outside their law offices today. “So we filed a subpoena today demanding the McDonald’s that President Trump visits most frequently hand over samples of his DNA they may have on hand.”

    Carroll’s lawyers threw out a few suggestions as to how the fast food burger restaurant might have acquired a sample of the president’s biological matter.

    “Maybe the president was in the restaurant, having his usual Big Mac and Six-Pack of chocolate shakes, and one of the employees happened to save a straw,” the attorneys suggested. “Or perhaps a half-eaten Chicken McNugget order was left behind by the president, and someone happened to keep it for a memento. Hell, it’s even possible he tried to get sexual with one of the McDonaldland characters on the playset and we’ve got some honest to goodness semen on a Fry Guy. We won’t know until discovery really kicks in.”

    President Trump was scheduled to be airlifted to McDonald’s this afternoon for a Happy Meal break, but he told reporters the administration had to “scrap it” and he decided to go to Burger King instead.

    “I can get my hamberders anywhere, anyway,” Trump said. “I’m president. I can do whatever I want. Mitch McConnell and Billy Barr said so. If that woman’s going to ruin McDonald’s for me, I’ll go to Berder King. I like their Whoppers well enough, anyway.”

    There’s yet one more source for President Trump’s DNA, should the McDonald’s in town not be able to provide any, Carroll’s lawyers believe.

    “There’s always an outside chance we could get some from Ivanka,” the attorneys said. “Of course, she’s only got half his DNA, but something tells us she’s been exposed to a full load of his DNA at some point…or at several points. Obviously that’s disgusting to think about on about a million levels, so we’re very, very, very hopeful it won’t come to that.”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.