Monday, October 2, 2023
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    McConnell: Republicans Poised To ‘Fulfill Constitutional Duty To Dehumanize And Insult Sexual Assault Victims’

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Senator Jeff Flake confirming that the rumors of his having an emergency spinal transplant were false, it appears very likely that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh will make it out of committee and face a full vote on the floor of the Senate for confirmation of his nomination. This morning, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said on the Senate floor and delivered an emotional, impassioned speech lauding Kavanaugh and Congressional Republicans.

    “Now, I just want to say that I think what we’re doing, in elevating this man, this booze-soaked, hypocritical, pious man, to the highest court is a great moment for Judge Kavanaugh, but it’s also a great moment for the Republican Party,” McConnell said. “We stand now on the precipice of the opportunity to fulfill our constitutional duty to dehumanize and insult sexual assault victims.”

    Barely containing his glee, McConnell pressed on.

    “We stand here now, on the edge of a great moment in American history,” McConnell opined. “Because we stand here now, with the chance to metaphorically stare every victim of sexual assault in the eye, give them the finger, and then do whatever we want to do because of our cynical political alliances.”

    Dabbing tears of joy from his eyes, McConnell continued.

    “When I get out of bed every morning, I want two things for America — for me to be richer than I was the day before, and for women to return to their rightful places in the home, in the kitchen, naked, pregnant, and subservient,” McConnell said. “It’s a two birds, one stone thing that we get to confirm this guy who will help us take away women’s rights over their own bodies. But at least he’d be one to help raise his rape babies.”

    Rubbing a chunk of coal on his crotch, McConnell kept going.

    “What we’re doing here today is fulfilling our solemn oath to the American people to tell them under no uncertain terms that if a rich, white, Ivy league educated, entitled boy sexually assaults them, none of us will care, and in fact we’ll make you the bad guy in the whole affair,” McConnell said. “And that makes me, quite honestly, horny AF, fam.”

    McConnell was last seen in a Senate cloak room rubbing coal on his genitals.

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    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.