LAKE SAUCISSE AU FROMAGE, WISCONSIN — It wasn’t supposed to go down like this, Todd Wilkins told us. But there he was, at 3:14 am “balls deep” — as he’d later describe it — in a guacamole bacon cheeseburger, and Todd had no intention of stopping until both he, and the burger, were “finished.”
“Hey man, when I left my house tonight, or I guess it was technically last night, do you think I wanted to fuck a guacamole bacon cheeseburger,” Todd asked the crowd that had assembled over the last forty-five minutes rhetorically. “Of course I didn’t. The thought never even entered my mind to eat one for shit’s sake!”
Yet, there Todd was, in front of God and his fellow citizens, humping, pumping, and gyrating his hips while he dug his man-meat deeper and deeper in the guacamole bacon cheeseburger on a paper plate in front of him. We were all standing in the alleyway between O’Callahans and McFlannery’s — the Irish and Scottish bars that are next door to each other. And there we all were, watching with morbid but undeniably turgid curiosity at the middle-aged man before us, fucking a guacamole bacon cheeseburger like he was never going to get to have the physical act of love ever again.
“I love guacamole, I love bacon, hell, I fucking love cheeseburgers,” Todd told us. “But if you would have asked me before I got ready tonight if I felt like eating a guacamole bacon cheeseburger I’d probably turn it down because I’m trying to drop some pounds. Lubing up and inserting myself into this thing would have been the furthest from my mind, but well, here I am, throwing my hot dog into its buns.”
Local authorities responded to the scene, but a city ordinance written in the late 19th century allowed Todd the legal space he needed to finish having sex with the guacamole bacon cheeseburger.
“Normally we’d arrest a man with his pants down, fucking a guacamole bacon cheeseburger pretty much on sight,” Officer Cheryl Malloy told us. “But we do things different up here in Chewadick County, and the rule of law still matters up here.”
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According to Todd, he set out last night only to have a few beers with his friends at a new burger joint that opened up only a mile or two from his home. He had the beers. He had the burger. But, Todd says he may have “overdone it on the brews.” He and his friends started a dangerous game of daring one another to do increasingly more outlandish things.
“It started with daring Mike to go ask for the waitress’s phone number. Then we dared Phil to stand up on the table and cluck like a chicken,” Todd said. “Then, some smart ass says it’s my turn, and they want me to go out in the alleyway and fuck a guacamole bacon cheeseburger. We’ve been playing this game for over a decade and a half, and no one has ever backed down.”
So, he and his friends ordered the guacamole bacon cheeseburger to go, and Todd took it out into the alleyway, drunkenly tugging at his crotch to “en-harden” himself, as he would later tell us.
“I didn’t wanna drop trous and not have a full-blown erection. Now THAT would be embarrassing,” Todd said.
Todd said that even though fornicating with a ground beef patty smothered in guacamole, topped with six strips of juicy bacon, and covered in melted Swiss cheese wasn’t on his to-do list when he left the house, he has every intention of finishing the job.
“Mama didn’t raise a quitter,” Todd said. “So you know what? It’s time to put my head down, dig in, and fuck this guacamole bacon cheeseburger.”
Our reporter left Todd to do his business to chants of “Fuck that burg! Fuck that burg!”