Thursday, September 21, 2023
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    MAGA Hat or Super Glue? The Best Way to Seal Up a Vagina.

    We’ve probably all been there before. You’re looking to seal up a vagina, but you’re fresh out of Vag-Spackle™, the world’s most trusted vaginal sealant?  So how are you going to get your task accomplished? How are you, in fact, going to seal up that vagina?

    Well, as always, the Internet is here to help you!

    Oh My God, I Just Shit My Pants and Now They Think Biden Stole the Election!

    For the last week, all over social media, people have been debating the merits of two alternatives to Vag-Spackle™, the world’s most trusted vaginal sealant. The two sides have squared off over whether some super glue, or a person in a MAGA hat, would completely shut a vagina up. Because both sides presented reasonable arguments, we decided to ask an expert in the field, and here’s what she said.

    We talked to Dr. Carol Karolsby, a leading researcher at the Institute for Advanced Genital Study, and she said that this debate has been “raging” for years.

    “Well, for the past five years anyway. Ever since MAGA appeared on the scene,” Dr. Karolsby said. “The IAGS started getting reports almost right away of spontaneous vaginal sealings. All over the country, but particularly in places where pro-MAGA people don’t realize they’re surrounded by people of average intelligence who aren’t in any cults.”

    Getting the testing done proved to be difficult, Karolsby said. There wasn’t exactly a large number of volunteers.

    “Finding people to sign-up for a study like this can be quite challenging, as you might imagine,” Karolsby said. “Because who wants to be that close to a MAGA hat ever? We had to turn people away from the Super Glue side, but finding people who would subject themselves to someone in a MAGA hat was very difficult.”

    In fact, the dearth of women willing to put their genitals that close to a MAGA hat was an obstacle Karolsby’s team wasn’t able to overcome.

    “The simple truth is that we might not ever know which is best at closing up a vaginal opening. I have a hunch, but being an ethical scientist, I can’t speculate,” Karolsby said. “All I know is that I hope nobody ever NEEDS to seal their vagina shut, but if they do, I hope they have some Vag-Spackle™, the world’s most trusted vaginal sealant. But if not, then it’s pretty likely a MAGA hat would do the same job.”

    What Does It Mean If My Diarrhea Looks and Sounds Like Marjorie Taylor Greene?

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.