Are you in a cult? Exit polling seems to show that at least 74 million Americans self-identify as belonging to a cult called “MAGA.” If you are in a cult, how can you know if your cult leader is lying to you about an election being stolen?
Prior to 2020, this might not have been a question that many thought to ask, much less answer. In fact, for most of 2020 this question would have seemed like nothing more than a whacky hypothetical. However, in the weeks since Election Day, it’s become a question more and Americans find themselves needing an answer for.
Cult leaders lie. It’s what they do. In order to convince you to join their cult, sometimes it’s just necessary to stretch the truth to the point of breaking from it. Some lies, however, have national implications, such as lies about losing elections. Those are the kinds of lies that we all want to know are being told to us, but it can be extremely hard to know if our specific cult leader is lying about losing the election because it was stolen from him, when in point of fact he was just a toxic bully asshole that turned millions more people off to him than onto him.
How can you tell if your cult leader is lying about a stolen election that he lost because he’s a giant asshole? Well, here are six fun ways we came up with for figuring just that very thing out.
#1 Is He Making His Claims Under Oath and Penalty of Perjury in a Court of Law?
Anyone can say anything they want to their 80+ million follower and bots on Twitter. You can call up any right-wing media outlet and claim whatever it is you want to about stolen elections and fraud, but unless you’re willing to say something under oath and penalty of going to prison for lying, why in the hell would anyone take what you said at face value?
#2 Has He Told 1, 2, 3, or Maybe Even 20,000+ Lies in Four Years in Office?
One clue you might miss when trying to figure out if your cult leader is lying to you, is whether or not they’ve had a reputation for being a lying, unctious, twat hinge in the past. In recent years, we’ve had some presidents who claimed to be unable to tell a lie, while our most recent president seems allergic to the truth. However, telling thousands of verifiable lies is certainly one giveaway that he might not be telling the truth about a stolen election.
#3 Are His Lips Moving?
With some men, you can tell they’re lying mostly by the fact that their mouths move up and down and sounds come out. Did you vote for a man like that recently? If so, it’s a pretty safe bet your cult leader is lying to you about a stolen election.
4. Does He Slap His Name on Every Building He Owns Like a First Grader With His Underwear?
Maybe your cult leader is the kinda guy who likes to spend millions of dollars on building things just so he can stroke his own ego by emblazoning the skyscraper with his name. Maybe your particular leader has such a small, toadstool-looking dick that he has to have giant buildings with his name on them to compensate for it. At any rate, if any of this sounds like the guy you voted for, you may want to take anything he says about stolen elections with a shaker full of salt.
5. Are They Into Their Own Daughter in a Very Gross Way?
Studies show that people who say gross sexual stuff about their own daughters are lying sacks of shit. It’s true. Just go google, “Is a guy saying he’d fuck his own daughter also a lying sack of shit?” and you’ll be utterly astounded by the results.
6. Do They Have an Entire Political Party Dedicated to Stroking Their Ego?
Richard Nixon was convinced by members of his own party to do the right thing and resign. Now, we have a president whose own party is willing to be convinced to go along with his attacks on the very democratic elections that put them in office as well. So, if your cult leader also has a cadre of sycophantic elected officials at his beck and call, he might very well be lying about a stolen election, too.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.