WIDOW’S PEAK, VIRGINIA — Tom Stumbleworth voted for Donald Trump in the last presidential election for a number of reasons, but mainly, Stumbleworth recently told friends and family members at a barbecue he hosted, because he wasn’t “about to vote for someone under FBI investigation.”
Stumbleworth said that when FBI Director James Comey divulged that the FBI was investigating the use of a private email server by Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, it gave him “great pause.” But when Comey said the FBI was reopening the investigation as new emails were found, even though those emails were very quickly discovered to be duplicate emails already reviewed, that was what settled it for him. Tom didn’t want Clinton getting to pick who replaced the late Justice Antonin “Demon Cock” Scalia on the Supreme Court.
“You know, I would have voted for her,” Tom told his uncle Joe, “because it’s not like I felt good voting for a reality-TV attention whore and a man so bad in business he’s filed bankruptcy on multiple occasions and is regularly sued for not paying people he hires to do work for him. But when I heard Republican after Republican tell me that nobody under FBI investigation should get to pick a Supreme Court justice, that made a lot of sense to me.”
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When it was confirmed by Comey that Trump was the target of an FBI investigation into whether or not his presidential campaign colluded with Russian hackers, Stumbleworth says he was”more confused than ever” and he’s not sure that President Trump should get to choose a Supreme Court seat warmer either. Now that the whistleblower report has come out, and it seems that Trump’s troubles are only beginning, Tom is concerned that if things don’t improve for Trump, he’ll surely be impeached.
Tom said though it wasn’t his reason for voting for Trump, he also remembered Republicans arguing that in an election year, no president should get to choose the next Supreme Court Justice. Stumbleworth said to him, though, it’s also “illogical” to let a man who might be impeached and removed from office before the next election to select a Supreme Court justice either.
“I gotta be honest,” Tom told his cousin Cheryl while he got her a hot dog off the grill, “I wasn’t all that worried about Gorsuch when Trump picked him, and as much as Kavanaugh is a drunken lush and probably a sexual predator on some level, Trump did win the election and was entitled to pick him. But now? I’m not sure he should pick any others, at least until we know if he’s being impeached and removed from office, yet, anyway.”
Mr. Stumbleworth says that he has concerns that if Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is forced to resign from the bench, that Trump will be put in a position to choose the next justice. He says that the first two picks were “under iffy circumstances,” but that a third choice, while under impeachment, seems “just as bad as letting someone under FBI investigation do it.”
Tom said he’s confused by the behavior of many of those same Republicans he’s seen since Trump took office.
“So these are the same people who were telling us Crooked Hillary should be behind bars,” Stumbleworth said to his co-worker Paul, “and nowhere near the Oval Office picking Supreme Court judges. And now none of them are saying we should put a pin in Trump picking any more justices until we settle the impeachment issue? It almost feels like they change their minds based on which party the person belongs to. But that would be not only partisan bullshit, but completely hypocritical…and Republicans aren’t ever hypocritical, are they?”
Just then, Bill Clinton walked in with Newt Gingrich.
“Hey, Bill, remember when I tried to impeach you for lying about a consensual blowjob,” Gingrich asked Clinton, laughing hysterically and slapping the former president on his back.
“Oh yeah,” Clinton said, laughing, “I remember.”
Gingrich kept laughing, wiping tears from his eyes.
“Well, the whole time I was leading a moralistic, puritanical sexual crusade against you,” Gingrich said, “I was fucking my now current wife behind my then wife’s back. Oh, and my second wife was sick at the time too. Crazy huh?”
Stumbleworth turned back to his co-worker.
“What was I saying,” Tom asked, “oh right, Republicans are never hypocrites.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.