OBTUSE GARDENS, ILLINOIS — No. No. No. No. No. It doesn’t matter how many times you ask him. It doesn’t matter how many ways you find to ask him. No. No. No. No. 35 year old John Brazil is not defensive.
But, really, why are you even asking?!
He doesn’t have to tell you, even if he is acting defensively, which he’s definitely not, okay? But even he was, it’s none of your business, and more to the point, you’re just wrong, okay? You’re not in his head, you don’t know what he’s thinking. He might have no problem with what you’re saying to him philosophically, but that doesn’t mean he can’t still lightly disagree with you without being “defensive.” You still haven’t answered, though, why do you keep asking John why he’s being defensive, when he so very clearly is not remotely being defensive?!
Honestly, what gives you the right to even care? So what if he is being defensive, which he’s not, what right to you have to ask John about being defensive? Maybe he just doesn’t feel like explaining every motivation behind every little thing he does. Maybe, John doesn’t think you have any right to care one way or the other. What are you his mom?
Oh. You’re his mom?
That doesn’t change anything, Mom. He’s still not being defensive. He just might think you’re being judgmental of him. Are you, Mom? Are you being judgmental of John?
Oh, you’re not? You’re just genuinely curious why he’s acting so defensively? Seems like a fishy question, Mom. I mean, why, why would that even matter to you? Why would you even ask it? Why does John have to tell you, anyway, Mom?
What if he doesn’t want to tell you? What if he doesn’t feel like it’s your right to know if he’s being defensive or not? It just seems like you have some kind of ulterior motive, frankly, and John can’t quite figure out what your angle is. John’s pretty unnerved at having to explain himself, which brings up a great question:
Why does John even have to explain himself to you at all, huh?
No, tell us. Tell us right now. Why do you have the right to demand answers out of John? John’s gonna do what John wants to do, and he ain’t hurtin’ no one, so back off! But again, still, he’s not being defensive. HE IS NOT BEING DEFENSIVE!
Also: So what if he is? So-fucking-what if John is being defensive? Does he not have a right to be defensive anymore? Is this no longer a free country? Are you going to have him arrested right now?
Is John being arrested right now? Is he being detained? Then what’s with the third degree here, pal? Just back off, would you? He could have any number of reasons for how he’s acting, and you’re not in his body and mind so you have no idea what they’d be! But this can’t be said enough: he’s not being fucking defensive!
Don’t you think he might have a reason for being so defensive? Don’t you think he could have a reason for being put on the spot by your very normal question? Just…back off…okay?!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.