SKELETAL FLATS, IOWA — Every year, Jack Burton does his very best to make Halloween a fun event for the kids that live in his neighborhood. Burton has two almost grown children himself, and for the last three years they’ve helped him create what he calls a “spooktacular, family friendly haunted house” out of his garage. Each year, Jack chooses a costume that he thinks will give trick-or-treaters a little bit of a scare without going so far as to intimidate young children from coming into the haunted house.
“I’ve been a vampire, a grotesque monster, and a zombie before,” Burton told us via Skype, “but this year, I’m going to dress as kind of a combination of all three. I just hope my costume isn’t too scary, because I still want the kids to come and have a good time.”
Burton’s costume this year will feature what he says is “the most frightening and horrific creature imaginable.”
“Kellyanne Conway, adviser to the president. I know, I know. It’s a big risk, and maybe I shouldn’t get political around the holidays, but even if you think the policies she supports aren’t ghoulish themselves,” Burton said, “she’s got a face that could scare a murderer. She looks like what happens if you put a Barbie in the microwave. Kellyanne Conway is so freaky and weird looking, she got offered a job by Monsters, Inc. to scare little kids at night, but they ended up passing when they realized most kids would just have a heart attack and die if they woke up and found her in their bedroom.”
“They probably should have asked her husband George about all that before they made her the offer, though,” Burton admitted. “The point is, though, that she’s a scary beast. I personally think it’s more horrifying and disgusting to be a lying mouthpiece of a proto fascist regime that kidnaps kids from their parents and says Nazis can be fine people too. But hey, unto their each own, I guess.”
Jack said initially he wasn’t thinking about being Conway for Halloween this year. On their trip to the costume shop, however, Jack discovered that all the skeleton costumes were half off. He can’t pass up a good deal, and so Burton decided this year he’d go with Conway. However, he almost changed his mind when he saw none of the costumes come with brains.
“Luckily my wife pointed out that the skull being completely empty only made the costume more accurate,” Burton admitted. “In fact, one of the scariest parts about Kellyanne is her lack of brain. There she is, a completely empty-headed moron, and she’s one of the most influential and powerful people in the country. If you ask me, that’s a bigger nightmare than a zombie apocalypse.”
In order to make sure his haunted house still attracts his neighbors, Jack says he’s modifying his Kellyanne Conway costume a little bit.
“One of the scariest and most terrifying things she does is talk. My god, her voice sounds like someone’s asshole gargling sand and glass,” Jack said. “You couldn’t design a more creepy, disgusting character if you worked for Phil Tippett! So all night I won’t be saying anything while in my costume. Hopefully if no one hears her nails-on-chalkboard voice, it’ll keep them from avoiding our house altogether.”
There’s one more addition to this year’s haunted house that Jack says he’s really excited for his neighbors to see.
“We put a life-sized Stephen Miller analogue out in the yard,” Jacks aid. “I’m a little worried about having a giant puddle of diarrhea on my front lawn, but I think it’ll just add to the whole creepy ambience.”
This year’s theme is “Monsters Have Taken Over the Haunted White House.” Jack’s neighbors are encouraged to stop by anytime after dark.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.