WASHINGTON, D.C. — Throughout the 2016 presidential election season, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was one of the loudest, most outspoken critics of then-candidate Donald Trump. However, since Trump’s inauguration, many people around the capital — and indeed the nation — have noticed a marked turn in his tone and attitude toward Mr. Trump.
Today, Sen. Graham gave an in-depth explanation for his about-face.
“I guess you could say I’ve just had the opportunity over the last eighteen months to start warming up to the man,” Graham told reporters this morning. “And I’m not only warming up to him as a person, either. I’ve had the ability now to warm up to the taste of his butthole, and it’s quite exquisite, really.”
Sen. Graham explained that at first, when Trump’s anus started tasting pleasant to him, he was shocked and concerned.
“No one, including me, would have ever expected that I’d grow to like, or even love, the taste of Donald Trump’s poop chute,” Graham said. “But as anyone who has watched me over the last year can attest to, I absolutely adore it. It’s like ice cream, except you know, racist, plutocratic, and with a soupcon of white collar criminal activity.”
During Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation process, Graham went viral when he railed against Democrats, emotional tears beginning to form in his eyes.
“Turns out, those tears were like the extra seasoning I needed to just belly up to the bar and suck down a nice, big pint of Donald Trump’s anal seepage,” Graham said. “I guess if the ends justify the means, it’s justified to drink from his end.”
“But one thing I will not do is lower myself to fellating the president, not after he’s insulted me so much,” Graham said. “I mean, who do you think I am, Ted Cruz? I haven’t killed anyone, and I eat my boogers in private, sir!”
Graham turned on his heel and ran away.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.