Thursday, March 30, 2023
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    Lindsey Graham Wants to Lindsey Graham to Testify Why Lindsey Graham Was So Anti-Trump in 2016

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Sphincter) is unsure that Senator Lindsey Graham should be participating in the impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump, presuming the House Democrats will pass their two articles of impeachment to the Senate at some point.

    Last week, President Trump became just the fourth president in the nation’s history to see articles of impeachment officially voted out of committee against him. The other three were former Presidents Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton. Since the passing of his longtime friend and Trump adversary Sen. John McCain, Graham has positioned himself as one of the president’s fiercest allies in Congress. However, Graham told reporters this morning, he’s seriously considering calling himself to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee to answer some “deeply concerning questions” he has about Lindsey Graham’s loyalty to the president.

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    “We all swore an oath to defend the Constitution, which does not mean — as some fools might suggest — that we should defend our own constitutional authorities that the executive branch in check,” Graham told the media as he arrived for work today. “It means that we should be loyal to our dear president through thick and thin. Over the weekend, someone sent me clips of this Lindsey Graham fellow talking all kinds of shit about Trump back in 2015 and 2016, and I want to know where his loyalties lie.”

    Graham said that calling himself to testify will prove two things.

    “One, it’ll get down to just what, and more importantly, who I’m loyal to,” Graham said. “Secondly, it’ll prove that unlike the Democrats, I’m willing to be critical of one of our own party. Namely myself. I’m sorry, but my principles won’t let me go easy on someone, just because they’re in my party, or share my body and brain cells, you know?”

    During the 2016 presidential primary, Senator Graham was one of Trump’s challengers for the Republican Party’s nomination. During that time, Graham gave countless interviews and was asked quite often about the prospects of a Trump presidency. Graham gave several newsworthy sound bytes the media about his feelings on Trump, including sending one quite ironic tweet, given the about-face the South Carolinian Republican has done since Trump took the oath of office.

    “Someone showed me a tweet I sent in 2016 about Trump destroying us if we nominated him,” Sen. Graham told reporters, “and I have to tell you all, the thought of the guy who sent that tweet sitting on a jury deciding Emperor God King Trump’s fate? That’s frightening to me. Simply and purely frightening, and I clearly have a lot of answers I need to give to myself about my obvious bias against the man I now try to publicly fellate as much as humanly possible.”

    It’s unclear at this time if Graham will be able to convince Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to call Graham as a witness when if and when the impeachment trial begins, so he says he’ll “fast track” a deposition of himself during a special hearing of the Senate Judiciary Committee he plans to call sometime this week.

    “I won’t rest until we get to the bottom of why I used to be so against Trump but now kinda love the taste of orange spray tanner and shame,” Graham said. “We cannot in good conscience allow me to sit on the jury if there’s even a remote chance of my consciousness kicking back in.”

    On what he called an “unrelated note,” Graham made an announcement related to his medical condition, as well.

    “I just wanted to also take this opportunity to announce my doctor approved another refill of my roofies,” Graham said, “and I’d like to thank Dr. Leo Spaceman for getting me that script so quickly. It’s really going to help me out over the next few weeks.”

    Graham says it’s “vital to understand” where anti-Trump bias comes from, and he compared the statements made by Lindsey Graham about Trump in 2016 to statements made by two FBI agents that have been the targets of non-stop abuse at the hands of Trump.

    “Frankly, I have to wonder why Lindsey Graham thought he could go and have the same thoughts and feelings about Trump that Lisa Page and Peter Strzok had,” Graham said. “How dare those three hold the same views of Trump that most normal, above-80 IQ human beings hold?! The unabated, unmitigated gall to have common sense and critical thinking skills and to apply them against this man…it’s just enough to make me scream-cry, I tell you, folks!”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.