Is the hot new catch phrase taking the Bible Belt by storm a secret code phrase that lets men with tiny dicks communicate with each other?
You’ve probably heard it or seen it typed in the comment sections of your social media app of choice. If you’re in a thread on a news article that in any way involves President Joe Biden, you’re almost guaranteed to see it used at some point. On the surface, it’s become a not-so-subtle analog for “Fuck Joe Biden,” but after weeks of intense research, there seems to be enough data to suggest that it’s not a political catch phrase at all.
The questions remain, though.
Is “Let’s Go Brandon” secret code for “I have a micro penis,” and if so, does that mean everyone you hear use it does, in fact, have a microscopic dong? Obviously not, because certain inbred daughters of the confederacy can be seen using the phrase too. Yet, when we consider the penis-havers, or at least the ones who outwardly express and even profess having one, we start to see a striking pattern emerge.
Those that use it, the ones that have penises at any rate, we later learn are nearly-dickless losers.
In the interest of fairness, however, we must admit that our sample size only included two people — Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) and Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL). Both men have repeatedly used “Let’s Go Brandon” to trigger the libs and signal their loyalty to former, one term, twice forever impeached daughter-lusting President Trump.
We reached out to both men’s offices, and neither provided either a confirmation, nor a denial, of our hypothesis. Using the Republican Playbook, we know that if someone doesn’t answer a question, no matter how silly or baseless, the accusation must be true. Ergo, Matt Gaetz and Ted Cruz have micro penises.
Does this prove our theory that all men who use the phrase “Let’s Go Brandon” have a micro penis? Of course not.
But it does prove that two men named “Ted Cruz” and “Matt Gaetz” have micro penises. Or maybe it doesn’t even prove that, and all we wanted to do is write something and publish it on the web so one day when someone searches for whether Ted Cruz had a micro penis, there will be someone saying he did.
Let us know in the comments.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.