President of the United States, and Head Stable Genius at MENSA, Donald J. Trump, has said that despite his inflammatory and clearly racist rhetoric about Mexican immigrants that he believes he will carry the Latino and Hispanic vote in next year’s presidential election. Touting jobs numbers that many wonder if he should be willing to give more credit to his predecessor for, Trump has insisted that even though he is often willing to say extremely racist things about non-white Americans and immigrants, Mr. Trump’s argument seems to hinge on his ability to continue to help the economy and thereby Latinx voters.
Some might find it surprising, and despite what could be considered a laughable belief that he can curry the favor of a voting bloc he has routinely insulted, the League of Latinx voters has printed a pamphlet entitled, “5 Reasons To Re-Elect Donald Trump For President.” The League of Latinx Voters calls itself an “advocacy group for the voting rights of all Latinx Americans.” Printed below is the text from the pamphlet, which the League of Latinx Voters says will start arriving in members’ mailboxes and email inboxes in the coming weeks.
5 Reasons To Re-Elect Donald Trump For President
#5. You Recently Came Out of a Coma
Hey, no one can blame you if you just came out of a coma — medically induced or not — and you vote for Donald Trump. After all, you might not have been awake when Trump insulted you as being part of the populace that is primarily rapists, murderers and drug traffickers. So who could blame you, the Latino or Hispanic voter for choosing Trump? How could you know? You were in an unconscious state for a long time. The irony of course being that you probably have to be in some kind of semi-conscious state to vote for Trump in the first place.
You could have been literally unconscious when his administration started kidnapping brown-skinned babies at the border and locking them up in concentration camps. If so, who could blame you for being an all-caps blast of stupidity? So if you’ve recently come out of a coma, go ahead and vote for Trump, friends!
#4. You Enjoy Farting in a Room And Seeing Who Figures Out It Was You
It takes a real coward to drop a very stinky fart in a room and not own up to it. But voting for Trump as a Latinx voter is exactly like that. Because votes are anonymous, just like farts if you don’t claim them. And voting for Trump will continue to create disastrous and frankly very smelly outcomes for not just this country, but for relationships with Latinx people in general. So go ahead! Bend over, rip a juicy one, and vote for Trump!
#3. You Have a Really Stupid Brother, Cousin, or Uncle You Always Are “Pulling For”
Hey, we get it. You’re a compassionate person, and you have a weak spot for losers. Trump is the loserest of losers, so we get the attraction there. He’s filed for bankruptcy more times than he’s filed for divorce, and both numbers indicate that he’s a failure as a businessman and a husband, though he tries to claim both as actual selling points to his mind-numbingly stupid base. So go on, keep pulling for the morons in life. Someone’s got to.
#2. You Like to Set Fire to Things and Gleefully Laugh With Your Arms Outstretched Toward the Heavens
Maybe you don’t just like ripping farts and not claiming them. Maybe you like to take it one step further and set fire to everything and laugh as it burns. That’s sort of what voting for Donald Trump is like.
Because no one in their right mind actually thinks this man belongs within a hundred yards of the nuclear launch codes. No one in their right mind thinks this man should be leading any wars on terror or the like. No one with even a modicum of brain power thinks he should be a serious contender for any elected position — hall monitor, Head Fuck Face at the Fuck Face Emporium, you name it. So if you do vote for him, clearly you are one of those people who enjoys watching everything turn to utter shit around you.
Some call those people sociopaths; we call them Trump voters.
#1. You’re an Idiot
Let us be clear.
We don’t mean that specifically Latino or Hispanic voters are idiots for voting for Donald Trump. We mean to say that anyone of any ethnicity, creed, sexuality, business acumen, weight, height or general humanoid appearance that votes for Trump is an idiot. Seriously. Look at him. Listen to the words coming out of his mouth. This is the guy you want to remain in the highest office in the country? This is the guy you want choosing who negotiates with states on treaties and agreements? You want the guy who can’t even give up his ridiculous hair thing on his head after all these years of everyone knowing it’s a horrid attempt to cover up balding to continue to be the President of the United States of America?
Yeah, you’re an idiot alright. But now you have four more, solid reasons to be Latinx and support Donald Trump. So there’s that. At least.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”