WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Gym Jordan told reporters this morning that he “absolutely does not and will not ever” support the impeachment of President Donald J. Trump.
“Look, I don’t care if he shoots my mother on 5th Avenue. I don’t care if he literally sells our country to Russian oligarchs. Hell, I don’t even care if he’s a serial sexual abuser of college wrestlers,” Jordan said today at a press conference. “Turning and looking the other way is something I’m sort of really good at.”
But, Jordan said, he cannot “simply look the other way” when it comes to impeaching someone else — former Vice President Joe Biden.
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“What I want to know, though, truly, is why we are even remotely talking about impeaching Trump when we haven’t discussed impeaching Joe Biden first,” Jordan demanded, with anger and emotion flaring in his voice. ”
Jordan ripped Biden for “standing by and letting Trump take the fall for things” Biden didn’t do based on things that the public now knows Trump did think Biden did.
“This is all a deep state plot for Hillary Clinton to lose to Donald Trump so that he could be impeached and Joe Biden would be elected,” Jordan insisted. “This is so plain and obvious. I almost feel bad for the Democrats that they think a president can’t just pressure whoever he wants to in order to win an election. I mean, c’mon, what do you think, that you don’t live in an imperial monarchy? Get with the program, libs!”
Rep. Jordan called on Biden to “give himself up” and submit to an impeachment inquiry led not by Jordan in any official capacity, but by himself, and former Congressmen Darrell ISsa and Trey Gowdy.
“Trey, Darrell, and I are gonna get to the bottom of all this. And it probably ends up in us impeaching not just Joe Biden, but Crooked Hillary Clinton,” Jordan shouted. “Hell, I’ll impeach the whole damn Democrat Party, rank and file voters too! In fact, if you’re a registered member of the Democratic Party, I would warn you right now, we’re gonna impeach you.”
Whether or not Biden or Clinton, or even rank and file Democrats, are or have been president or even held an office that is impeachable, is not of any concern to Jordan, he said.
“Since when did Republican politicians have to deal in anything remotely resembling reality? Trickle down economics works. There were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,” Jordan rambled. “Hillary sold 890% of our uranium stocks to Russia, then turned around and forced Trump to collude with Russia, all in effort to cover-up Benghazi for George Soros and the Bob Mueller angry Democrats. This is so clear to see that I question anyone who doesn’t see it, frankly. And they’ll be impeached too!”
Mr. Biden has already responded by telling Jordan he can “go fuck himself.”
“Oh, Gym wants me to submit to some non-existent authority he has over me,” Biden asked. “Here, let me tell you a hilarious 50 year old anecdote about me, a segregationist, and a rabbi. We all walked into a bar. A bar, for you young whippersnappers, is where men like me used to go to get drunk. Anyway, let me just say…”
Biden was still talking about his past at the time of publication, and campaign staffers told us not to expect him to stop any time soon.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.