Jesus Hubert Christ made headlines over the past weekend by writing and publishing a blistering editorial in his personal newsletter, “Me-stianity Daily.” In the piece, Christ calls out those Americans who label themselves as fans of his work for being “self-righteous, hypocritical douchebags” for supporting President Donald Trump after what he called “spending decades demonizing Bill Clinton for far less.” Christ stops short of defending Clinton, but pulls no punches in laying out what he calls Trump’s “obvious, self-evident, and inescapable hypocrisies.” Mr. Christ calls Trump a “fake Christian with a fake spray tan and fake morals.”
By the end of the piece, Christ calls for the removal of Trump from office by way of the upcoming impeachment trial in the Senate. Jesus writes that while he normally stays out of earthly politics, sometimes circumstances force his hand. Already Jesus’ piece is being called “fake news” and “never Trumper propaganda” by the president’s surrogates and defenders.
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Below is Christ’s op-ed, reprinted from his newsletter in its entirety.
I suspect that the same number of people who profess to love the Constitution without having read or understood it also profess to love me without actually having read or understood their Bibles. However, for those who have read of my adventures in the world’s oldest fantasy novel, this editorial should come as absolutely no surprise. Anyone with even an elementary grasp of language, context, and subtext would understand why I would be very much in favor of the Senate voting to convict and remove President Donald J. Trump from office.
Make no mistake, I don’t usually dip my holy toe into the pool of Earthly politics, but when in the course of human events a subhuman monster threatens the stability of my flock, kidnaps and imprisons babies from families just seeking refuge from poverty, war, and crime, putting them in cages in concentration camps, and generally acts like a giant asshole bully to everyone, I have no choice. Staying silent is how tyrants like Donald Trump maintain their grip on power. All it takes for daughter-banging evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing. I refuse to do nothing, and while I cannot vote in your elections, I can be an advocate for sanity to be restored.
When a walking, talking toilet golem does all his misdeeds while also pretending to be a follower of my teachings? Well, it’s time for some good ol’ fashioned “money changer smackdown Jesus” action. I may be a pretty mellow, long haired radical hippie who stands for universal love and tolerance of all human beings, but I still get a kick out of smacking down some pharisee-motherfuckers, fam. You have no idea how hard I have to bite my tongue when I see false prophets and fake Christians like Franklin “Pool Boy” Graham, Ralph “Just Come Out of the Closet and Suck a Dick Already” Reed, or Tony “Nazi Piece of Shit” Perkins sucking that tangerine tyrant off publicly. But thanks to the good folks at Christianity Today, I was invited to the rodeo, and it’s time for me to get all Christ-y on the clown.
I won’t bore you all by rehashing what the editors of that publication laid out to be a very thorough evisceration of Trump’s so-called Christian values. Just suffice to say that if you think the guy who washed the feet of the poor and advocating for loving the stranger in your homeland would be chill with a white supremacist asshole like Stephen Miller and his disgusting policies, you need to read your Bible a hell of a lot more carefully. If you think the d-bag whose charity was so fraudulent he had to shut it down is a guy who lives his life in my footsteps, you are probably so brain cell deficient as to be scientifically brain dead.
The man is a serial adulterer. You all spent years slamming Bill Clinton for his wandering dick, but you’re gonna gleefully Stan for Trump? What? He says gross stuff about wanting to bang his daughter, but you think he’s a Christian? I mean, I get it, the Bible has some really questionable sexual-based stuff in it, but this is 2019, almost 2020. Even I disavow most of what that Book contains in terms of its sexual content. He lies. He cheats. He steals from the poor, with his fake-as-fuck charities. He’s as Christian as I am a linebacker for the next team to win the Super Bowl.
Donald Trump should be removed from office for a whole number of things. Frankly, I think your Constitution needs a revision to state anyone who doesn’t completely divest himself from his shoddily run, shitty companies immediately upon being sworn in should be impeached. I think I’d be okay with impeaching a guy who literally invites foreign countries to meddle in your elections, to say nothing of impeaching the assholes who try to extort them into digging up dirt and lies on his political rivals. But frankly, Donald Trump is a good argument for making “being a lying sack of shit, racist conman” an impeachable offense, and even for an intelligence test for the office. I do love all people, but I do also love calling some people the cockfaced ass whistlers they are.
For the love of all this Holy, and I am certainly an expert in that arena…ditch that piece of shit. Just remove him from office. Put a sane Republican in office, if you want to. But a thinly veiled klan member with a proven track record of lies, deceit, mismanagement, and stupidity? Nah, fam. You gotta boot that dick to the curb, pronto.
Thanks for reading, y’all,
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.