Saturday, September 30, 2023
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    “The Jerk” To Be Remade As “The A-Hole,” Starring Donald Trump

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — Reports out of Tinseltown are that a new remake of a classic comedy film has just been green lighted.

    “The Jerk,” starring Steve Martin, has long been regarded as one of the best comedic films of all time, starring one of the most talented comedians of all time. Wanting to “capitalize on the buzz” surrounding President Donald J. Trump, according to a fresh press release, Confederate Pictures has decided to go forward with a plan to reboot the film and center it around Trump, giving it a new title, “The Asshole.”

    “This is Hollywood,” one source very close to the deal told us, “so we’d much rather recycle something that come up with an entirely new idea. But we also really wanted to capitalize on the buzz Trump’s got going for him.”

    Our source told us that everyone at the studio knew they’d have to package a Trump film in a way that felt familiar to moviegoers. Trump has buzz, but they admit that he’s a tough sell to a country that largely dislikes him. So they decided to put him in a classic comedy, to disarm audiences and get them to “come along for the ride,” the studio source says.

    “We thought about putting him in a ‘Blazing Saddles’ remake,” the source told us, “but when he screen tested him, every time he’d say the N-word it didn’t read as comedy; just some old, racist bastard saying ‘ni–er.’ So we found a movie with a title that already fit people’s perception of him anyway, and set about to finding a screenwriter that could squeeze the essence out of Trump’s story.”

    The studio hired Dinesh D’Souza, a conservative filmmaker and conspiracy theorist famous for his films like “Obama’s America: 2016” and a new film about Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, to write the script. D’Souza is the one who suggested changing the title from “The Jerk” to “The Asshole” because, according to our source, “people who like Trump actually like assholes, you know, like spouses in abusive relationships.”

    “We knew Dinesh was our guy,” the studio source said, “because he’s already got experience telling fantastical tales of utter and complete bullshit. Which made him uniquely suited to write a movie about Donald Trump.”

    Though plot details are still not settled, some basic ideas have been

    “This time it’ll be the story of a rich, white guy who was born and taught to hate poor, black children,” our source tells us, “so we anticipate this film will do quite well in Trump states.”

    Another Story: Boris Johnson Announces He’s A Cheap Chinese Trump Knockoff From Factory Owned By Ivanka

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.