WASHINGTON, D.C. — The question of whether or not to call additional witnesses during the Senate’s impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump won’t be settled for another couple of days. There are now sixteen hours of questions and answers from the senators scheduled take place before the vote on additional witnesses. It’s still unclear at this time if Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Trump’s Hemorrhoid) has enough votes among his Republican caucus to block attempts by Democrats to call former national Security Adviser John Bolton.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-On His Knees Before Trump) took the opportunity during the first day of questions and answers to pose a question to the White House defense team. As per the rules of the trial, the question was submitted in writing by Cruz, and read to the attorneys for the president by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. While some senators asked the two sides of the trial questions about witnesses, process, and precedence, Cruz’s question was more blunt and he’d later tell reporters he was trying to “get past all the noise and hysteria” and “get down to brass tacks.”
“Esteemed members of the president’s defense team,” Roberts read Cruz’s question aloud, “isn’t Trump as innocent as my wife is ugly? Is there not a direct relationship between how pug ugly my she-beast of a wife is and how innocent our Dear President is?”
Somehow, the Senate chamber grew quieter than it had been throughout the proceedings. The president’s team didn’t skip a beat. White House attorney Jay Sekulow rose and addressed the chamber.
“Mr. Chief Justice, thank you. Senator Cruz, or should I call you Reek, thank you for your question,” Sekulow began, “and of course the answer to that question is quite simple: yes. Yes, your wife is ugly as fuck. Therefore, given the premise of your question, Our Little Canadian-Texan Bitch, of course President Trump is equally as innocent. I’m not sure that this principle is found anywhere int the text of the Constitution, but that doesn’t really mean anything right now.”
Pausing to take a sip of water, Sekulow continued once he’d swallowed.
“Just to expound on your question, Senator Servile Sniveling Toady,” Sekolow said, “The president, who was then only a candidate for God King Emperor President, was extremely correct when he dogged-out your wife, Heidi, wasn’t he? I know you can’t answer my question for you, but I take the fact that you put your head down and looked down at the floor, that you agree with me. Your wife is ugly. U-G-L-Y! She looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every ugly branch on the way down, where her body crumpled up on the ugly ground.”
Mr. Sekulow again paused, this time to wink to the rest of his colleagues on the president’s defense team.
“And if all that is true, Senator Cruz, as you said, in your own words,” Sekulow concluded, “he is indeed innocent as fuck. Frankly, he’s so innocent, and your wife is so ugly, to deny these basic facts is to deny that water is wet, or that gravity will pull this pencil to the ground when I let it go.”
Sekulow dropped his pencil. It fell to the ground. He smiled wanly.
“Well, there you have it. Gravity is real. Water is wet. Your wife, Sen. Cruz is the aesthetic equivalent of diarrhea in a bag,” Sekulow announced, “and this president, your president, your dear, sweet, totally actual billionaire president, is innocent now. He was innocent when he crimed his crimes, and he will continue to be innocent until the day he does, or at such a time as your wife gets platic surgery to fix that busted-ass Chewbacca face of hers. The defense rests.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.