ILLUSORY FIELDS, KENTUCKY — A local man has “had it up to here” and says he’s at his “wits end” with the fact that his made-up wife and his imaginary friends don’t like each other, and can’t seem to get along. 44 year old Jack “Sugar Balls” McGillicuddy told is in a Skype interview recently that he’s “sick and tired” of his “fictional cohorts not accepting [his] fake wife for who she is” and is equally as unnerved with his fictitious wife trying to get him to cut ties with his mythological amigos.
“They have so much in common, I’ve always been so shocked that they didn’t get along better,” Jack told us in an email exchange. “Mainly what they have in common is that they’re all complete figments of my over-active imagination. I ain’t got any friends, and I haven’t had a wife since my third one left me back in 2002. Not long after my third divorce, I created Bethany, my fictional wife, and I introduced her to all my imaginary friends. Almost right away, there was tension, though.”
Local Man Not Defensive, But Why Are You Even Asking?!
Jack says that in his mind his friends and his wife should be “best of friends.”
“Because in my mind, they all come from my mind, and so therefore should all be somewhat similarly inclined,” Jack explained. “I guess I’m wrong, maybe though. Because even though the same brain made them all up, they really don’t like each other. My wife says my imaginary friends are a bunch of do-nothing slackers. And my imaginary friends say my made-up wife is a cold hearted bitch who only married me for the money I made marketing Sugar Balls cereal for thirty years. I don’t know who to believe, but I know who might be able to help me.”
In order to find some kind of peace of mind, Jack says he decided to see a therapist. Jack wasn’t sure how to go about selecting a counselor to help him work through his problems though, so he called up his nephew, who is attending Stanford University, and asked him for a favor. McGillicuddy asked his nephew to design a virtual therapist using artificial intelligence, and he has begun to see his new AI therapist, logging six hours of therapy already.
“My nephew’s still working in her algorithm, but I think the doc’s going to be able to help me fix this situation,” Jack hopefully assured us. “At least, I really hope she does. Because I can’t live a life where my fake friends hate my fake wife, or my fake wife hates my fake friends. That’s no life at all, if you ask me.”
If therapy doesn’t give Jack the enlightenment he says he needs, drastic measures may be necessary, he admits.
“I guess the good thing is that since I literally made all of them up I could just make up a whole new group of friends and a new imaginary wife,” Jack conceded. “That would be a damn shame though. They’ve been a part of my life so long, and we’ve all made so many pretend memories together. But, if worst comes to worst, then I gotta do what I gotta do to keep some semblance of sanity in my life. I’m still hoping I can get them all to realize how much I love each and every one of them, and that I’d prefer they just learn to be polite to one another. I won’t hold my breath, but I can still hope for the best, can’t I?”
Update: There Are Still LEGO On The Goddamned Floor
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.