Monday, November 28, 2022
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    ICE to Update Agents’ Badges, Uniforms, and Hoods

    WASHINGTON, D.C.– The Department of Homeland Security has announced that later this year, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers will be wearing newly designed uniforms that will feature updated badges and one brand new element — a white satin hood.

    “ICE always wants our agents to feel as comfortable as we possibly can make them” ICE regional spokesnazi Raymond Tomjonavich told reporters today at a press conference announcing the upcoming uniform changes, “and so many of our fine, upstanding jackbooted miscreants have told us they feel most comfortable in a crisp brown shirt, brown pants, and a nice, white hood.”

    ICE has contracted with First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump’s clothing line to begin producing uniforms for their agents. The shirts will be a dark brown, the pants will be too, and each agent will be given a special jacket, Tomjonavich divulged.

    “The jacket is all white, and drapes over the existing uniform, kind of like a robe,” Tomjonavich said, “and that robe has a pretty great pointy white hood on it. You know, so that we can easily identify other agents above the treetops or hedgelines.”

    As for the ICE bade, that will get an update as well, Tomjonavich said.

    “The current design will be scrapped and a neat-o looking bent cross looking thing will go on it instead,” Tomjonavich announced. “The badges will also be made of fool’s gold, in order to bring it in line with the aesthetic of the administration.”

    Agent Tomjonavich says that ICE will also begin to ratchet up raids on suspected undocumented immigrants, and they plan to focus on one place in particular.

    “Del Taco. Their name literally means ‘Of The Taco,’ which seems might suspicious to us,” Tomjonavich told everyone. “So we’re going to start there. We may need to shut them down and rename the place Del American Freedom Burgers, but we’ll take it one step at a time.”

    Tomjonavich announced that some new departmental procedures for detention camps will be in place soon, as well.

    “It takes a lot of concentration, ironically enough, to guard a concentration camp, which is leaving our simple-minded camp guards too fatigued at the end of the day to go home, slip into a comfortable white tank top, drink a case of cheap American domestic beer, and beat their wives and significant others,” Tomjonavich divulged. “So we’re going to be rotating people in and out of duty a lot more frequently, because we need our agents to be able to decompress from a long day of racist thuggery.”

    Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) was too busy getting the results of an opinion poll to give a comment on this story.

    Another Story: Tomi Lahren Hard At Work On List Of Acceptable Ways For Black People To Protest Abuse


    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.