MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — General Mills, makers of the Gushers brand of fruit chews, announced in a conference call this week that it is preparing to roll out a new product to the marketplace.

“We are extremely excited to bring you guys GushPods,” General Mills media liaison Cheryl Milkington told investors and various business media outlets. “They’re fruit flavored laundry detergent pods, because we here at General Mills are all about catching a wave of popularity and riding it all the way to Profit Town.”

Milkington says GushPods will come in five “exciting and tasty” varieties.

  • Strawberry Pineapple Bleach
  • Borax ‘n’ Banana
  • Orange w/ OxyClean
  • Stain Liftin’ Lemon-Lime
  • Very Cherry Berry w/ Color Protect Technology
  • Watermelon w/ Scotch-Guard

GushPods will be sold in both the snack and cleaning supplies aisles of most major retailers.

“We didn’t want our potential customers to miss their opportunity to buy GushPods,” Milkington said. “So they’ll be stocked next to our standard Gushers fruit chews, as well as in the same aisle you’d get other detergent pods from.”

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General Mills saw a gap in the market, Ms. Milkington told investors, when they realized that no company had made a laundry detergent pod that tasted as good as it cleaned stains while also keeping colors bright and whites white.

“It’s one thing to have a product that tastes good, and it’s another to have a product that cleans your clothes really well,” Milkington said. “But it takes a truly keen business sense to figure out no one had cornered the market on great tasting detergent pods.”

Parents shouldn’t worry about their kids eating GushPods, Milkington reassured the investors.

“GushPods are made with at least 2% real fruit juice,” Milkington said. “I mean, yeah, and also tons of cleaners and whatnot, but one thing is for sure, there’s not a lot of added high fructose corn syrup. They’re also GMO-free and all organic, free-range, cage free, and they’re made in only sustainable ways, with no ingredient traveling more than six miles to get to our factory.”

GushPods will be on shelves by the end of 2018.

James‘ satire is found on:
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